In the picture: His House

movie review

Compelling characters and terrific performances anchor the drama in the new horror thriller His House

His House

Starring: Wunmi Mosaku, Sope Dirisu, and Matt Smith

Written and directed by: Remi Weekes

Remi Weekes uses haunted house horror to explore the refugee experience in his feature debut His House, a powerful thriller that weaves socio-political elements into the narrative.

The film tells the story of Bol (Sope Dirisu) and Rial (Wunmi Mosaku), a South Sudanese couple fleeing conflict. In search of a new beginning, they brave stormy waters to arrive on the shores of the United Kingdom, but lose their daughter, Nyagak (Malaika Wakoli-Abigaba), in an accident along the way. After a stay at a detention centre, the duo is finally granted probationary asylum. Their case worker (Matt Smith) then brings them to their new home: a dilapidated house on the outskirts of London that is in desperate need of upkeep.

But as they try to settle in and adapt to their new life, strange voices and visions begin to haunt them. Rial comes to believe that they are being targeted by a vengeful night witch. The protagonists are thereby left to deal not just with the apparitions that emanate from the walls of their house but also the looming fear of being deported lest they make a single wrong move. 

The ghosts deliver the movie’s jump scares, but the actual horror of the situation lies in the plight of these asylum seekers, who, it soon becomes apparent, are dealing with traumas from their past and struggling with the effects of grief and survivor’s guilt.

The proceedings are often touching and, at times, chilling, even though the movie does occasionally falter. The second act meandered a bit (a more taut screenplay could have perhaps made the drama even more intense, especially towards the middle), while the third act delivers a twist that switches the focus to the protagonists’ actions that cause their guilt, a development that some viewers might find more effective than others.

What massively helps the story though is the terrific performances by the leads; Wunmi Mosaku in particular makes it easy to form an emotional connection with Rial and be invested in her plight. 

His House may not be the scariest movie you will ever watch, but it offers a different take on a well-worn genre. You can’t help but empathize with the characters’ predicament as Weekes dissects prejudices, indifference, desperation, assimilation, and several other issues. This is, for the most part, a well-crafted, well-shot, and well-acted project that takes you on an interesting, engaging journey, and delivers horrors both supernatural and – even more harrowingly – very real.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5

- By Sameen Amer

Instep, The News on Sunday - 22nd November, 2020 *

Over the Moon - familiar but touching

movie review

Over the Moon

Starring (voices): Cathy Ang, Phillipa Soo, Ken Jeong, John Cho, Ruthie Ann Miles, Margaret Cho, Sandra Oh

Directed by: Glen Keane

Netflix made a successful foray into the world of animated features with the release of two terrific films – Klaus and The Willoughbys (both of which are highly recommended if you haven’t seen them yet) – within the span of months. The streaming service continues this trend with its latest animated movie, Over the Moon, a charming fantasy musical that is very likely to entertain its viewers.

The story’s heroine is the feisty Fei Fei (voiced by Cathy Ang) who grows up listening to her mother’s (Ruthie Ann Miles) renditions of legends about a Moon goddess named Chang’e (Phillipa Soo), a lonely immortal heartbroken over her lost mortal love. 

Fei Fei and her family live happily in their village where they make and sell mooncakes. But her mother’s illness and death soon bring sorrow to the youngster’s life. Four years later, when she finds out that her father (John Cho) plans to remarry, an upset Fei Fei decides to build a rocket to the Moon so that she can prove that Chang’e – and therefore true love – is real in the hopes that this will stop her father from starting a new family.

Her subsequent journey does not go quite as she had planned, but she eventually ends up learning the very lessons that she needed.

The build-up is sweet and touching, which makes it easy to care for the protagonist. The film does jump from its initial realistic setting to a fantasy-drenched follow-up, and while the transition is a little jarring, the bright and colourful visuals are still fun to watch. 

Despite its uneven tone, the warmth of the tale is sure to win you over. For the most part the drama is moving, even when the developments are either too convenient or just unclear. It is also good to see Asian representation in a mainstream release. Plus there are several (some would say too many!) lively sidekicks (including a possible step-brother (Robert G Chiu), a pangolin (Ken Jeong), and a cute pet bunny), and the tunes are enjoyable too.

Many of the film’s thematic elements, however, are familiar. Several movies by Disney and Pixar have explored the ideas of loss, overcoming grief, and embracing change. And while Over the Moon may not be as memorable or impactful as instant classics like Up and Coco (and even the recent Onward), it is still a heartfelt, touching, engaging episode that tries to keep you entertained from start to finish.

- By Sameen Amer

Young World, Dawn - 14th November, 2020 *

Physics will not judge you

book review

A compendium of impractical but entertaining and scientifically solid advice that will help you see everyday issues in a new light

When we run into a problem, most of us are inclined to look for the simplest solution. Randall Munroe, on the other hand, seems to have a very different philosophy when it comes to handling problems: make them as complicated as humanly possible and see where that leads you.

That is precisely the approach he takes in his book, How To: Absurd Scientific Advice for Common Real-World Problems, a tome that shows there’s clearly no issue that can’t be made more complicated with a little bit of science and a whole lot of imagination!

Best known for his delightful webcomic xkcd, Munroe — formerly a roboticist at the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) — has been amusing us with his nerdy stick-figure creations for nearly 15 years. Along with his online offerings, he has also employed his wit and wisdom to create interesting books, such as 2014’s What If?: Serious Scientific Answers to Absurd Hypothetical Questions, in which he provides logical answers to humorously bizarre user-submitted queries, and 2015’s Thing Explainer: Complicated Stuff in Simple Words — another very self-explanatory title.

Munroe’s latest volume finds him exploring unusual approaches to accomplishing seemingly simple (as well as some not-so-simple) tasks. Each of the book’s 28 chapters is dedicated to a different topic and applies science, research and creativity to come up with fascinatingly convoluted scenarios.

Many subjects seem like practical concerns before the author takes them to impractical extremes. In ‘How to Throw a Pool Party’, for instance, Munroe doesn’t provide us with a tutorial on putting together the invitations, snacks and décor for a social gathering. What we get instead is a humorously thorough manual on how to build and fill the pool that you would need for the aforementioned party. And, thanks to the magic of science, you are no longer bound to create an average, conventional pool. “Physics doesn’t care if your question is weird. It just gives you the answer, without judging,” Munroe reassures us — before explaining how we can construct a pool out of cheese and fill it with 150,000 bottles of Fiji water.

The discussions don’t degenerate into absurdity, though. The author and illustrator makes sure that he examines interesting ideas along the way. There is something fascinating in every chapter. For instance, ‘How to Tell If You’re a Nineties Kid’ explains the impact of nuclear tests on unsuspecting humans; ‘How to Send a File’ delves into the migration of butterflies; and ‘How to Take a Selfie’ teaches us about occultation (when an object in the foreground blocks an object in the back).

While most chapters are inspired by fairly routine tasks — such as jumping really high, digging a hole, sending a file online, charging your phone or mailing a package — a few stranger ones are also thrown into the mix. If you want to learn how to build a lava moat, keep your house from moving, or power your house on Mars, then this book has you covered.

Munroe’s intelligence and knowledge shine through with his unique take on each subject. Along with his own insights (which are often built upon research or backed by calculations), the author also occasionally reaches out to some experts in their fields in order to “apply their unique expertise to ridiculous tasks.” Most prominently, he interviews astronaut Chris Hadfield on emergency landings and, in what is perhaps the book’s most memorable moment, recruits tennis superstar Serena Williams to help test whether tennis serves could be an effective countermeasure against hovering drones.

The writer’s witty geek humour, and the stick-figure cartoons that accompany the text, make the book a fun read. The more theoretical elements have generally been made accessible to the layperson, although there are a few parts that might still be a little difficult to follow if you aren’t well-versed in basic science.

The material is perhaps easier to digest if it’s read a section at a time instead of being devoured in larger chunks. The mathematical components can occasionally be a bit dry, while some theories and formulae might leave you wishing you’d paid more attention in your high-school physics class. It’s a good thing then that Munroe’s enthusiasm for science is absolutely contagious. How To is likely to motivate you to further explore the ideas discussed therein, and might even inspire you to look at the world in a fascinatingly offbeat way.

All in all, this compendium of impractical advice might not teach you how to actually do anything in a simple, easy way, but its amusingly convoluted takes serve as an entertaining, thought-provoking read that will help you understand different topics, learn random scientific trivia and see things in a new light.

- Sameen Amer

Books & Authors, Dawn - 8th November, 2020 *

Trolls World Tour - warm and bright

movie review

Trolls World Tour

Starring (voices): Anna Kendrick, Justin Timberlake, Rachel Bloom, James Corden, Ron Funches, Kelly Clarkson, Anderson Paak, Sam Rockwell, George Clinton, Mary J. Blige

Directed by: Walt Dohrn

Four years after entertaining us with their first adventure, the bright and cheery Trolls are back on our screens in the sequel Trolls World Tour. We revisit their colourful world of singing, dancing, and hugging in this second outing which retains the joy of the 2016 instalment but lacks the imagination to make the journey truly memorable.

The jukebox musical reunites us with optimistic Queen Poppy (voiced by Anna Kendrick), her cautious sidekick Branch (Justin Timberlake), and their many friends, who are now living merrily in Troll village. But their lives are disrupted with the revelation of a secret. It turns out that there are actually six Troll tribes, each of which represents a different type of music: pop (which is, naturally, Poppy’s tribe), rock, classical, funk, techno, and country. Each tribe has a magical string that powers their music.

A threat emerges in the form of Barb (Rachel Bloom), the queen of the Rock Trolls, who is aiming for world domination. She plans to steal all the strings, destroy all other music, and turn everybody into rock zombies! It is up to Poppy, Branch, and their buddies to stop Barb and save the Troll kingdoms.

Geared primarily towards very young viewers, Trolls World Tour is one of those sequels that seem to exist not because the filmmakers had an interesting tale to tell but because the success of the first movie signalled the potential of a franchise. The story is basically just an excuse for more singing and dancing. The main journey sees the characters visiting each kingdom, hopping genres and thereby giving the film a chance to give us (mostly overplayed) songs (or, in some cases, snippets of songs) in each of their styles.

It isn’t, therefore, the most exciting ride. But it is, nonetheless, colourful and fun and filled to the brim with joyous energy. The lessons about tolerance and diversity that we are left with at the end are also worthy (even if they are repeated a little too often in such movies).

All in all, Trolls World Tour is a warm and bright adventure, but a little more imagination and a better selection of songs could have made the film a lot more impressive.

- By Sameen Amer

Young World, Dawn - 17th October, 2020 *

The Sleepover - a silly, predictable caper

movie review

The Sleepover

Starring: Sadie Stanley, Maxwell Simkins, Cree Cicchino, Lucas Jaye, Ken Marino, Joe Manganiello, and Malin Åkerman

Directed by: Trish Sie

Tagline: To rescue their parents, they need to get a clue.

The ongoing pandemic may have forced cinemas to shut down but Netflix has made sure that we stay entertained even during these strange times. The streaming service has been releasing movies all summer, including fun new films for viewers of all ages. Its latest family-friendly adventure arrives in the form of The Sleepover, a new action comedy that relies mostly on old tricks.

The film revolves around the Finch clan – school lunchtime supervisor Margot (portrayed by Malin Åkerman), her pastry chef husband Ron (Ken Marino), and their kids, teenage cellist daughter Clancy (Sadie Stanley) and imaginative son Kevin (Maxwell Simkins). The family may seem average when we first meet them, but their lives soon take an exciting turn.

Secrets are revealed when dangerous people show up at the Finches’ house and kidnap Margot and Ron. It turns out that Margot used to work with criminals. Her old associates now want her to take part in one more heist and threaten to hurt her family if she refuses.

When the kids find out that their parents have been abducted, they set out on a quest to rescue the grownups. With the help of a couple of their friends, Clancy and Kevin must follow the clues that their mom has left for them, stop the bad guys, and save their parents (who are, by this point, trying to steal a crown with the assistance of Margot’s handsome old flame, Leo (Joe Manganiello)).

It’s a fun-filled journey that entertains but doesn’t do anything particularly different or surprising. So many elements of the movie feel familiar; you are more likely to find the tale exciting if you haven’t already seen similar films, like the Spy Kids series. Also, there are a few ideas that the movie doesn’t take full advantage of. It could have, for instance, done more with the cool gadgets that the youngsters discover while trying to find their parents. 

Still, even though this isn’t the most creative project, The Sleepover does keep you engaged, thanks in part to its charming cast who make sure their characters remain likable. If you are in the mood for a silly adventure with some witty banter and a few amusing hijinks, then The Sleepover just might be worth a watch.

- By Sameen Amer

Young World, Dawn - 26th September, 2020 *

In the picture: The Babysitter: Killer Queen

movie review

McG gives us more of the same in his sequel to The Babysitter

The Babysitter: Killer Queen

Starring: Judah Lewis, Emily Alyn Lind, Jenna Ortega, Robbie Amell, Andrew Bachelor, Leslie Bibb, Hana Mae Lee, Bella Thorne, Samara Weaving, and Ken Marino

Directed by: McG

Some films are created to express artistic ideas, engage viewers emotionally or intellectually, and/or hold a mirror to society. Others just aim to provide silly, escapist fun. The Babysitter falls firmly in the latter category. It may not have been a masterpiece by any means, but the 2017 comedy horror flick did manage to have quite a bit of fun with its R-rated Home Alone premise that revolved around a young boy trying to outwit his occultist babysitter and her minions. The characters now return for another zany, gory adventure in the sequel, Killer Queen, a retread that sticks to the style and tone of the campy original.

Things get off to a slow start as we are reunited with Cole (Judah Lewis) who is trying to navigate the hell that is high school two years after the events of the first movie (although he seems to have somehow aged about a decade during this time). Not only is he carrying the trauma of dodging death but he is frustrated by the fact that no one believes a satanic cult led by his former babysitter, Bee (Samara Weaving), really tried to kill him. His only ally is Melanie (Emily Alyn Lind), his neighbour and best friend, who witnessed some of the events during the fateful night.

The story finally makes some headway when Cole joins Melanie and her friends for a lake party where things take a fittingly crazy turn. Familiar faces return, and another attempt to perform the wish-granting demonic ritual ensues. New student Phoebe (Jenna Ortega) soon joins the action, as Cole tries, once again, to defeat the cultists.

If you have seen The Babysitter, then you know exactly what to expect from this sequel. There are plenty of silly jokes, random pop culture references, lots of gore and over the top kills. We also get several callbacks to incidents and gags from the original, flashbacks that show us how each of the baddies were recruited in the cult, and the ending gives us some closure although the film leaves the door open for a sequel/spin-off.

But the proceedings aren’t quite as entertaining as they were the first time around. For starters, the action takes a while to get going; the initial high school setup isn’t particularly interesting, and it takes a while for us to get to the craziness. And, perhaps even more importantly, the initial absence of a primary character makes the movie less engaging than its predecessor; as ridiculous as it was, the previous outing did have a more solid emotional core than the sequel does up until the final act.

All in all, the campy gorefest of The Babysitter: Killer Queen isn’t going to impress you with the depth and dexterity of its filmmaking but it is likely to please fans of the original who just want another dose of silly horror comedy.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5

- By Sameen Amer

Instep, The News on Sunday - 20th September, 2020 *

In the picture: I'm Thinking of Ending Things

movie review

A captivating build-up leads to an unsatisfying conclusion in Charlie Kaufman’s latest drama

I’m Thinking of Ending Things

Starring: Jesse Plemons, Jessie Buckley, Toni Collette, David Thewlis, and Guy Boyd

Directed by: Charlie Kaufman

His style may not vibe with everyone, but Charlie Kaufman’s idiosyncratic storytelling has certainly made him a fascinating filmmaker. And while his latest project – the eerie I’m Thinking of Ending Things – is as intriguing as you would expect, the psychological thriller is just as likely (if not more so) to confuse viewers as it is to captivate them. 

On the surface, the film appears to tell the story of a young woman (portrayed by a perfectly cast Jessie Buckley) who is going on a journey with her boyfriend (Jesse Plemons) to meet his parents (Toni Collette (wonderful, as always) and David Thewlis) while thinking of ending their six-week relationship. But Kaufman soon makes it abundantly clear that things aren’t exactly as they seem.

Glitches and anomalies enter the tale as the narrative soon degenerates into what feels like a fever dream. Details, ages, personas, behaviours, settings. circumstances … everything keeps shifting. But what exactly is going on?

It’s hard to tell. 

It all seems like (to borrow from Winston Churchill) a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma. And it is a riddle that the average viewer does not have a reasonable chance of decoding, not without a superhuman ability to decipher vague clues anyway, or, barring that, at least some prior knowledge of either the Iain Reid novel the movie is based on or the many works the film references. There are some elements that are fairly obvious from the get-go (like the double meaning of the title, for instance) and other things you can pick up on if you pay close attention, but a cohesive whole remains elusive even after the end credits have rolled.

The acting is brilliant, the visuals are stunning, the creepiness is riveting, the execution is artistic and creative. But by the end, the obtuseness is frustrating and how the story is handled feels unsatisfying. In making things inaccessible, Kaufman strips the film of the impact a more comprehensible ending could have delivered. 

Ultimately how you feel about I’m Thinking of Ending Things will come down to how much you enjoy abstract filmmaking. You’re probably going to need to give this one time to fully appreciate it. The more you think about or discuss or read up on the movie (or novel – Reid’s original does seem more powerful than this adaptation), the more admiration you are likely to develop for the poignancy of its tragic tale. A second viewing thereafter is likely to be a more rewarding experience (although admittedly, if you didn’t enjoy the slow-burn drama of this movie the first time around, then you probably won’t want to sit through 134 minutes of this dark strangeness all over again).

Rating: 3 out of 5

- By Sameen Amer

Instep, The News on Sunday - 13th September, 2020 *

In the picture: Good Girls (season 3)

television series review

Comedy drama Good Girls doesn’t do anything particularly remarkable in its abbreviated third season

Good Girls

Season 3

Starring: Christina Hendricks, Retta, Mae Whitman, Reno Wilson, Manny Montana, Lidya Jewett, Isaiah Stannard, and Matthew Lillard

Created by: Jenna Bans

As productions ground to a halt earlier this year because of the menace that is COVID-19, several television series had to cut their ongoing seasons short and retool (partially or completely) filmed episodes into early finales. Among those affected was the comedy drama Good Girls. Originally renewed for a 16 episode third season, the show only managed to make it to the eleventh instalment before the pandemic forced the crew to suspend production. What we were left with, as a result, was a truncated outing that basically gave us the (very languid) build up without delivering the payoff.

The dramedy – the story of three suburban moms who venture into the world of crime after struggling to make ends meet – maintains its tension in its latest block of episodes but the story fails to make significant headway.

Still fearing for their lives, Beth (Christina Hendricks), her sister Annie (Mae Whitman), and best friend Ruby (Retta) continue trying to get out from under Rio’s (Manny Montana) thumb, but just keep digging a deeper hole with each attempt to one-up their nemesis. Their latest money laundering venture sees them printing counterfeit bills, and, as you would expect, their activities end up hurting those in their orbit. Meanwhile, law enforcement remains on the trio’s tail; this time, it is agent Phoebe Donnegan (Lauren Lapkus) who is closing in and seems determined to take the girls down.

But it often starts to feel like the story is going around in circles. Good Girls seems stuck in a cycle of repetition, constantly putting off the change, comeuppance, and upheaval that is much needed at this point. Partially because of the stalling, certain elements of the proceedings are becoming increasingly unconvincing. Sure the last five episodes that were supposedly meant to deliver some excitement are missing because of the shutdown, but that does not excuse how slow and repetitive the 11 aired episodes have been.

It isn’t just that the storyline is dragging, but that the characters aren’t getting the development they require. While a few supporting players – like Dean (Matthew Lillard) and Ben (Isaiah Stannard) – have made meaningful progress, others, including the leads, aren’t being handled as well as they should be. Annie, for instance, slides back to her old ways just when you think she is about to show growth. And Beth still lacks the courage and control (or even the smarts to outwit Rio) that she should have had by now.

That’s not to say that the season has been an irredeemable mess altogether. Its premise, despite being derivative, remains compelling. We are invested in the tale of these complicated women who seem to want to do what’s best but often choose to dive deeper into trouble. The drama is still dark and tense, and often makes for entertaining, if frustrating, viewing. Hendricks is still terrific as the ringleader, and Montana and his smirk are still perfect.

Good Girls, in short, has a lot going in its favour, which is why it’s easy to see how much better the series can be. We have had two solid seasons, but the dramedy now seems unwilling to take the risks that are necessary to move the story forward.  The show has a good cast and setup; it just needs better writers to tap into its potential and shake things up. It’s time for the ladies to either face the music or call it a day.

Rating: 3 out of 5

- By Sameen Amer

Instep, The News on Sunday - 30th August, 2020 *

In the picture: Project Power

movie review

Project Power has plenty of visual flair but lacks emotional punch

Project Power

Starring: Jamie Foxx, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Dominique Fishback, Colson Baker, Rodrigo Santoro, Amy Landecker, Allen Maldonado, and Courtney B. Vance

Directed by: Ariel Schulman and Henry Joost

Tagline: What would you risk for 5 minutes of pure power?

Netflix may have been the undisputed king of entertainment during this peculiar summer but the bulk of its feature length offerings have ended up being frustratingly mediocre. Now joining their list of middling releases is the action flick Project Power, a superhero caper that doesn’t make the most of its interesting concept.

At the centre of the premise is a pill that grants superpowers but comes with a catch: the powers are different for each individual – you don’t know which one you’ll get till you try the drug for the first time – and the effect only lasts for five minutes.

In a city struggling with increased crime brought on by this unpredictable and sometimes lethal drug, we meet Art (Jamie Foxx), a man who is trying to find the distributor of the Power pills. But he ends up being chased by a suspended police officer, Frank (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), who has been told that Art is the suspected source of these glowing capsules. The paths of both men intersect with that of teenage drug dealer and aspiring rapper Robin (Dominique Fishback) who sells pills to provide for her ailing mother. Frank has been buying capsules from Robin (and taking them in order to even the playing field while chasing Power-enhanced criminals) while Art tries intimidating her, hoping she will lead him to the people behind the drug.

As their arcs converge, the film reveals the true origin of the pills and the intent of the project that spawned them. With stakes that range from personal to global, the characters must team up to bring down the sinister operation and the vile operatives behind it.

Helmed by Ariel Schulman and Henry Joost (the team behind Paranormal Activity 3 and Paranormal Activity 4 as well as the film Nerve and the documentary Catfish), Project Power weaves several interesting but unoriginal threads into an uneven action thriller. There is visual flair aplenty here, but the movie doesn’t fully explore the implication – and, at times, consequences – of the topics it broaches, and struggles, in particular, with its dramatic elements. Considering how much is often at risk, it is strange that the proceedings remain emotionally hollow.

The strengths here lie in the visuals and action sequences – a scene that unfolds around a woman with Elsa-esque abilities is striking in particular. But character building and depth aren’t the movie’s strong suites. Even a very committed Foxx as well as a standout performance by relative newcomer Fishback can’t overcome the film’s weaknesses that stem from a predictable storyline and an underdeveloped script. An underutilized Gordon-Levitt also leaves you wishing he’d been given better material to work with.

Project Power is, ultimately, a watchable but forgettable entry in Netflix’s ever-expanding catalogue. It is more likely to feed your yearning for some mindless action than engage you with its supposed social commentary. 

Rating: 2.5 out of 5

- By Sameen Amer

Instep, The News on Sunday - 23rd August, 2020 *

Animal Crackers - a sweet animated adventure

movie review

Animal Crackers

Starring (voices): John Krasinski, Emily Blunt, Ian McKellen, Danny DeVito, Sylvester Stallone, Raven-Symoné, and Patrick Warburton

Directed by: Scott Christian Sava and Tony Bancroft

Filmmakers can find inspiration in the most unlikely of places. Even something like an animal-shaped cookie isn’t just a sweet treat for them; it’s the potential subject of a movie! That explains why we now have Animal Crackers, an animated fantasy adventure centred on a box of magical biscuits.

The movie tells the story of a family that inherits a “run-down, burnt-up, worn-out” circus which they must then save from being taken over by an evil uncle.

We begin in the 1960s as the film explains how circus-owner brothers Horatio (voiced by Ian McKellen) and Bob (James Arnold Taylor) have a falling out because they both like the beautiful Talia (Tara Strong). Bob ends up marrying Talia, while an angry Horatio leaves the circus. With Bob in charge, the show becomes known for its amazing animal acts.

Years later, Bob’s nephew Owen (John Krasinski) also finds love at the same circus, but he has to give up his dream of running the show in order to please his lovely wife Zoe’s (Emily Blunt) demanding father (Wallace Shaw). Meanwhile, Horatio keeps trying to discover the secret behind Bob’s act, but one day, his efforts end in tragedy. Owen then finds out that his uncle Bob has left him the circus as well as a magical box of animal crackers that is behind the show’s spectacle. If someone eats an animal-shaped biscuit from the box, they turn into that animal!

Will Bob (who works at his father-in-law’s dog biscuit factory), Zoe (who starts rebuilding the circus), and their carnival friends manage to save the show and defeat Horatio?

Maybe. Maybe not. But they will certainly learn a lesson or two along the way.

The magical world of Animal Crackers is filled with joy and fun. There are some amusing musical numbers, humorous gags, and moments of excitement.

But the adventure is quite uneven. It’s all a bit confusing at the start, very predictable by the middle, and altogether zany by the end. The characters are a little basic, although the delightful voice cast does a good job bringing them to life.

Ultimately, the film is somewhat like its namesake biscuits: sweet, a little bland, not particularly nutritious, but visually cute and fun to experience once in a while.

- By Sameen Amer

Young World, Dawn - 22nd August, 2020 *

In the picture: Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt: Kimmy vs. the Reverend

review

An interactive special reunites us with Kimmy Schmidt and her friends for a zany adventure

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt: Kimmy vs. the Reverend

Starring: Ellie Kemper, Tituss Burgess, Carol Kane, Jane Krakowski, Daniel Radcliffe, and Jon Hamm

Written by: Robert Carlock, Tina Fey, Sam Means, and Meredith Scardino

Directed by: Claire Scanlon

The Netflix sitcom Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt may have come to an end last year, but its sunny protagonist’s story now continues in a delightful special that not only gives us a chance to spend some more time in Kimmy’s whimsical company but also makes good use of its web-based platform.

Billed as a television movie at the Primetime Emmy Awards where it has snagged two nominations, Kimmy vs. the Reverend finds our resilient heroine (played with fitting gusto by Ellie Kemper) and her friends – Lillian (Carol Kane), Titus (Tituss Burgess), and Jacqueline (Jane Krakowski) – continuing their shenanigans in an interactive episode in which you, the viewer, get to decide how things play out.

Since the events of the finale, Kimmy has fallen in love with a British royal and is now days away from her wedding to Prince Frederick (Daniel Radcliffe) who has had a life almost as peculiar as hers. But wedding planning takes a backseat when she discovers a book inside her old backpack that does not belong to her. Closer inspection reveals that the paperback was borrowed from a school library six years after she was kidnapped.

Realizing that something is amiss, Kimmy sets out on a quest to unravel the mystery, which leads her back to her now-incarcerated kidnapper Reverend Wayne (Jon Hamm) and the revelation that there is a second bunker with more kidnapped girls. 

Kimmy must now find and free the girls, and it is in the viewer’s hands how she gets there, if she gets there at all.

You are given the chance to make decisions, ranging from silly to serious, that impact the outcome. Choose wisely and you will lead Kimmy to her happily ever after. Make one wrong move though and you could end up dooming the victims, ruining the Time’s Up movement, or even killing the protagonist. But fear not, for the episode will always give you a do-over – make better choices, fix your mistakes, and find the happiest ending. Or mess up on purpose just to discover where each arc leads.

The special offers silliness aplenty as the absurd drama of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt proves to be perfect for a choose-your-own-adventure styled epilogue. The plot may not be very complex but it’s clear that considerable work and creativity went into crafting all the storyline. Not only are there several endings (after most of which you get chided by a character for messing things up), but even something as simple as skipping the theme song leads to humorous results.

It is fun to be reunited with the exuberant characters that populate Kimmy’s world, plus there are also several surprise cameos that keep things entertaining. The cast – from newcomers like Radcliffe (who fits right in) to old favourites like Hamm (who is as amusing as ever as the villain) – remains terrific.

A few inconsistences and dated references – do we really need more jokes about the Fyre Festival and Mark Wahlberg’s schedule? – notwithstanding, Kimmy vs. the Reverend is an enjoyable episode, the interactive elements of which work really well. Kimmy’s joyous disposition continues to be contagious, making her delightful comeback a bright spot in an otherwise dreary summer.

Rating: 4 out of 5

- By Sameen Amer

Instep, The News on Sunday - 16th August, 2020 *

In the picture: Feel the Beat

movie review

Dance comedy drama Feel the Beat is a formulaic but sweet family flick

Feel the Beat

Starring: Sofia Carson, Donna Lynne Champlin, Enrico Colantoni, Wolfgang Novogratz, Rex Lee, and Marissa Jaret Winokur

Directed by: Elissa Down

Tagline: Take your chance. Make your move.

A self-absorbed young dancer starts coaching a group of preteens and (eventually) learns life lessons as a result in Feel the Beat, a formulaic comedy drama that is let down by its predictability.

After a mishap not only embarrasses her publically but also threatens to end her Broadway dreams, icy perfectionist April (Sofia Carson) moves back to her hometown, where she is welcomed enthusiastically by her old dance teacher, Barb (Donna Lynne Champlin). April rejects Barb’s offer to coach the town’s struggling tween dance troupe, New Hope, but rethinks the proposal upon realizing that the situation could potentially work in her favour. Should New Hope do well and proceed to the finals of a dance competition, April could get the opportunity to perform with her students in front of judge Welly Wong (Rex Lee), a Broadway producer who could save her career.

Things unfold exactly how you would expect. No surprises are in store for viewers here. The story just puts together basic plot points that we have seen many times before (Bring It On, Glee, Pitch Perfect, School of Rock). You have misfit underdogs trying to succeed; a driven protagonist who needs to learn what’s important in life; a requisite romance (that, in this case, is never fully developed); and an uninspired, predictable resolution. 

There are Disney vibes aplenty here, and a Disney star (Carson) also takes centre stage. A considerably talented supporting cast – both in the form of seasoned actors (Champlin, Colantoni) and young performers who play members of New Hope (like Eva Hauge and Lidya Jewett) – try to make the emotional beats land, even when the drama doesn’t feel particularly authentic.

Not much about the project is very memorable, partially because the film doesn’t have anything new to say. To stand out, Feel the Beat needed a different spin on its worn-out concept, but the movie just doesn’t have a distinctive take on things or a unique flavour. The tale may have moments of warmth and there is the occasional humorous touch that works, but in its decision to take a by-the-numbers approach, the film misses the chance to make a mark. What we are left with is a safe, indistinctive retread that borrows heavily from better productions and isn’t as remarkable or joyous as it should be. 

All in all, Feel the Beat dutifully follows the competition-themed tween/teen dramedy recipe, and while it is sweet enough to be palatable, it doesn’t leave much of an aftertaste. The film isn’t likely to impress those who have already experienced numerous similar cinematic offerings but may get a more enthusiastic response from its younger, less jaded target audience.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5

- Sameen Amer

Instep, The News on Sunday - 9th August, 2020 *

In the picture: The Old Guard

movie review

The Old Guard is an uneven but entertaining action flick

The Old Guard

Starring: Charlize Theron, KiKi Layne, Matthias Schoenaerts, Marwan Kenzari, Luca Marinelli, and Chiwetel Ejiofor

Directed by: Gina Prince-Bythewood

Tagline: Forever is harder than it looks.

Over the last decade, we have become so accustomed to Marvel and DC escapades ruling the cinematic summer that the current lack of superhero blockbusters seems downright peculiar. But while members of the Avengers and the Justice League have been forced to take an unexpected hiatus, Netflix is making sure that comic book characters aren’t entirely missing from our screens.

The streaming giant’s latest action flick finds the immortal heroes of Greg Rucka’s The Old Guard making their film debut in what Netflix clearly hopes will become the first installment of a successful franchise.

The movie follows a team of mercenaries - Booker (Matthias Schoenaerts), Joe (Marwan Kenzari), Nicky (Luca Marinelli), and their leader Andy (Charlize Theron) - whose regenerative abilities have kept them alive for centuries. But there’s a catch: their healing powers don’t last forever.

Dreadful past experiences have taught the group that they need to hide their presence from the world for fear of being ostracized, captured, experimented on, and/or tortured.

They realize their secret is out, though, when their latest mission turns out to be a set up. Hired by an ex-CIA operative, James Copley (Chiwetel Ejiofor), to save kidnapped children, the team instead has to fight their way out of an ambush.

The seemingly miraculous recovery of a U.S. Marine in Afghanistan, meanwhile, alerts the group to the presence of a new immortal, Nile (KiKi Layne), who is then rescued by Andy but is reluctant to accept her destiny.

With or without their newest member, the heroes must try to figure out how to neutralize their foe before they are turned into lab rats for a money hungry pharma exec (Harry Melling) who wants to study them and unlock the secret to their powers.

Director Gina Prince-Bythewood builds an interesting world led by a strong character who is all the more compelling thanks to the performance of the very well cast Charlize Theron; the actress excels at playing such ass-kicking, moody roles. A handful of well-orchestrated action sequences add thrill to the proceedings and are at their best when they make use of the immortality aspect during the fights.

But in its attempt to mix the action with human drama, the film runs into pacing issues. Because of the weaknesses in the screenplay, the exposition isn’t exactly the most riveting part of this two hours long film. There are developments that aren’t entirely convincing and elements that just feel shoehorned into the tale. And even with its overlong running time, the movie still fails to explain even the basics of its immortality premise and the mechanics of the regeneration. (What, for instance, would happen if they were dismembered?)

And for an outfit of amazing immortals, the team sadly doesn’t get the chance to face a worthy foe. Instead we have an antagonist who seems more cartoonish than menacing.

That said, The Old Guard is still a fun, entertaining popcorn flick. The film may make you wish it had shed its more generic elements, and while it may not make the most of its intriguing premise or dig as deep as its themes demand, it does manage to create a fascinating world and deliver an enjoyable action outing.

Rating: 3 out of 5

- By Sameen Amer

Instep, The News on Sunday - 19th July, 2020 *

In the picture: Desperados

movie review

An unoriginal premise and a weak, unfunny script make the new Netflix comedy Desperados a complete disappointment

Desperados

Starring: Nasim Pedrad, Anna Camp, Lamorne Morris, Sarah Burns, and Robbie Amell

Directed by: LP

The accidental or regrettable email has been a subplot in several comedies. Anne Hathaway’s frazzled Jules sent one not too long ago in The Intern (2015); her employees then went on a mini heist to delete the offending message from the recipient’s computer. Julia Roberts’ love-struck Jules also wrote one in My Best Friend’s Wedding all the way back in 1997, albeit with entirely different intentions. In each case, the shenanigans revolving around the problematic email were used mostly as brief detours along the central journey. The new film Desperados, however, takes this unoriginal concept and unwisely decides to stretch it to feature length, and, even more unwisely, chooses to pair it with crude humour. The results are more cringe-worthy than amusing.

The sender of the email this time around is shockingly not a Jules but a guidance counselor named Wesley (portrayed by SNL alum Nasim Pedrad) who isn’t having much luck finding a job or a boyfriend. Right after a failed blind date with a man named Sean (Lamorne Morris), a chance encounter with the charming Jared (Robbie Amell) makes her feel like she has found the perfect guy. Desperate to make the relationship work, she hides her eccentricities and turns into a completely different person in the hopes of pleasing her man. But when her new beau proceeds to ghost her, Wesley gets drunk with her best friends, Brooke (Anna Camp) and Kaylie (Sarah Burns), and sends Jared a very insulting email, only to find out that he is in fact injured and stuck in a hospital in Mexico.

Scared that if Jared reads the email it would mean the end of their relationship, Wes goes to Cabo, her BFFs in tow. The ladies’ plan is to break into Jared’s hotel room, find his devices, and delete the message. 

You’d reckon things would go amusingly wrong, but sadly hilarity is in short supply here. Instead you have predictable developments, tired shenanigans, and distasteful gags, courtesy of an unfunny script by Ellen Rapoport and LP’s indistinctive direction.

Desperados clearly wants to emulate the success of the significantly funnier Bridesmaids and Girls Trip but its crew lacks the talent to match the wit and warmth of these acclaimed comedies.

Even its cast, as charming as the actors may be, struggle to do much with the weak material they have been given. Pedrad has chemistry with her onscreen love interests, but there are times when she seems like a supporting player who has been put in charge of a vehicle she can’t fully command. Camp just makes you wish her talent hadn’t been wasted on this tired script.

Towards the end, Desperados tries to deliver a few heartfelt moments and positive messages, but the film ultimately lacks the wit and emotional depth that would make the morals impactful or the journey worthwhile.

Rating: 1.5 out of 5

- By Sameen Amer

Instep, The News on Sunday - 12th July, 2020 *

In the picture: Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga

movie review

Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga is charming, feel-good fun

Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga

Starring: Will Ferrell, Rachel McAdams, Pierce Brosnan, Dan Stevens, Melissanthi Mahut, Mikael Persbrandt, and Demi Lovato

Directed by: David Dobkin

Tagline: Nobody wins solo.

The ongoing pandemic may have deprived the world of the Eurovision Song Contest this year, but a new Netflix musical comedy is now here to fill the void left by the campy contest’s absence.

Co-written and co-produced by its star, Will Ferrell, Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga warmly captures the Pan-European competition’s over-the-top spectacle and joyous ridiculousness while telling a heart-warming tale of small-town dreamers along the way.

Ferrell plays hapless Icelander Lars who has been obsessed with Eurovision ever since he witnessed ABBA’s legendary winning entry, ‘Waterloo’, in 1974 when he was a child. His lifelong goal thenceforth has been to win the popular show, much to the embarrassment of his disapproving father Erick (Pierce Brosnan). Supporting his ambitions, though, is his childhood friend Sigrit (Rachel McAdams) with whom he has a band called Fire Saga and who happens to have unrequited feelings for him. 

Lars’s musical dreams seem highly improbable, which is why it comes as a complete surprise to everyone when, by the power of flukes, Fire Saga find themselves on track to represent their country at the forthcoming Eurovision ceremony.

As the underdogs progress (almost always despite themselves), each ridiculous turn finds the film amusingly paying homage to the competition that inspired it while gently poking fun at its eccentricities, backstage shenanigans, and politics. Being familiar with the contest certainly helps the viewing experience; there are cameo appearances by past contestants as well as references to others, and plenty of in-jokes that will make more sense to those who have experienced the annual extravaganza.

Even if you’ve never heard of the contest before though, you’ll still find it hard not to be invested in the goofy drama, thanks in large part to the charms of Rachel McAdams who brings such warmth and sweetness to her role that you can’t help but root for her character. Ferrell (not the most intuitive choice for the lead, but this is a project he appears to have spearheaded after all) is likable enough as Lars; however, it’s ultimately McAdams’s talent that makes the unlikely pairing work.

It also helps that the movie’s soundtrack is a catchy, cheesy Europop triumph. The original tracks are so perfectly suited to the setting that it isn’t a stretch to imagine songs like ‘Double Trouble’, ‘Come and Play’, and the hilariously OTT ‘Lion of Love’ being performed on the actual Eurovision stage. Also, the film makes the very wise decision to not let Pierce Brosnan sing and that’s always a plus.

There are, however, several missteps on the Fire Saga trail. The journey is overlong; there are a few slow stretches and times when the tale loses momentum. And the overall take on Eurovision is more affectionate than satirical; a more skewered slant could have potentially made the wit sharper, although then we would have admittedly ended up with an entirely different movie altogether. (Some would also point out the redundancy of lampooning a competition that often seems to accomplish that very goal all by itself.)

Despite all that, Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga is still a whole lot of escapist fun. The film is very likely to leave you with a smile on your face, and given the kind of year we’re having, this just might be the burst of joyous silliness that this dreary summer needed.

Rating: 3 out of 5

- By Sameen Amer

Instep, The News International - 5th July, 2020 *

In the picture: The Wrong Missy

movie review

Netflix romantic comedy The Wrong Missy is an irredeemable mess

The Wrong Missy

Starring: David Spade, Lauren Lapkus, Nick Swardson, Geoff Pierson, Jackie Sandler, Sarah Chalke, Rob Schneider, Chris Witaske, Joe "Roman Reigns" Anoai, and Molly Sims

Directed by: Tyler Spindel

Tagline: There’s no untexting her now.

Few companies seem as impervious to criticism as Happy Madison appears to be. Undeterred by the critical ravaging that its features have been receiving, Adam Sandler’s production outfit keeps churning out lacklustre comedies (often starring Sandler’s friends) that all end up being similar shades of awful. It isn’t exactly surprising then that the production company’s latest film, The Wrong Missy, is all kinds of, well, wrong. 

Yet another vehicle for Sandler’s family and friends, the Netflix comedy easily ranks among Happy Madison’s worst offerings.

The film stars a dull David Spade as Tim, a bank executive who is vying for a promotion, going up against his workplace competitor, Jess (Jackie Sandler, because nepotism). When his firm arranges a work retreat in Hawaii (an event that will also be attended by his ex-fiancée Julia, portrayed by Sarah Chalke), Tim plans to ask Melissa (Molly Sims), a beautiful woman he met at an airport, to join him on the vacation. But because of a texting mix-up, he ends up inadvertently inviting Missy (Lauren Lapkus), an unhinged woman with whom he once went on a terrible blind date. 

An uninspired string of grating hijinks thereby ensues. It’s all completely implausible, yet exhaustingly predictable, and painfully unfunny to boot. A significant problem – one of several, clearly – is Lapkus’s Missy. The character isn’t amusingly quirky; instead, she is thoroughly obnoxious. While Lapkus may otherwise be a skilled comedic actress, even her efforts can’t really do much to redeem her insufferable character. The issue, though, isn’t just the dated premise and cringe-worthy attempts at humour. Sure this is supposed to be a raunchy comedy, but the antics here range from uncomfortable and unpleasant to downright problematic. Flip the genders and you’d see these actions as absolutely unacceptable.

As for the aforementioned nepotism, Adam’s wife, Jackie, isn’t the only Sandler who has a role in the movie; the couple’s daughters, Sadie and Sunny, and nephew, Jared, also make appearances. Plus Sandler’s comrades Nick Swardson and Rob Schneider are also in the film for some reason.

At this point, we know better than to expect much from a Happy Madison production, but even by those standards, The Wrong Missy is still a disappointment. It’s sad to see everyone involved with this project wasting their (in some cases considerable) talent on such twaddle when they could (and should) be working on something better instead.

Rating: 0 out of 5

- By Sameen Amer

Instep, The News on Sunday - 28th June, 2020 *

The wonderful world of Sameen

cover story

Sameen Amer has been conducting interviews for Us for years, helping us find out more about our favourite celebrities. But now we have finally managed to turn the tables! Together with some of Sameen’s friends, we have asked her a bunch of questions so that we can learn more about our star interviewer. Read on to find out more about our focus of the week…

Us: So, we have a few questions for you. Are you ready?

Sameen: Not really. I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?

Us: Probably, yes.

Sameen: At least you’re honest about it. Go on then…

Anny (friend): What is the first thing you remember writing?

Sameen: The first thing I remember writing is a poem. I was maybe 4 or 5 years old at the time. And yes, I still remember the poem, because I was clearly so proud of it that I decided to commit it not just to any sort of fleeting memory but to long-term, permanent memory. You can hardly blame me though, for it’s an absolute masterpiece:

   I have a pet bunny,

   It is very funny,

   It likes to eat honey,

   But has no money.

See? Told you it was pure genius. I’ll take my Pulitzer now, thanks.

I also remember writing embarrassingly ridiculous letters to my mom’s brother (who lives abroad) when I was a kid. If anyone ever finds them, burn them immediately, then take their ashes and feed them to a llama, and neuralize yourself to erase all memory of what you just saw. Also, take the poor llama to a vet because how could you feed it ashes? So irresponsible!

Us: What inspired you to become a writer?

Sameen: Did you read that bunny poem I wrote? I mean, it was clearly inevitable that I’d spend my life blessing the world with my writings.

More relevant to Us Magazine though, I somehow ended up studying computer science (for reasons that still remain a mystery to me) in my teens, and to escape that torture, I started writing for Us. The rest, as they say, is just pure damn luck.

Xulfi (musician): In a parallel universe, what do you think you would be doing?

Sameen: When I was a child, I really, really wanted to be an astronaut, so I hope some alternative version of me got to live that (ridiculously improbable) dream.

Much more likely though is that my parallel universe self is trying to do comedy (and hopefully having more luck than I am).

Us: How has your writing style changed over time?

Sameen: I’m not sure it has. You can’t really top “bunny, funny, honey, money”, can you, so why even try.

Margaret & Dennis (Aussie parents): What is the most interesting response you have ever received to something you have written? And would you recommend journalism as a career to your best friend?

Sameen: It’s always fascinating when the subjects of an article or the people mentioned therein unexpectedly respond to the piece. Like, when Dave Cullen (author of Columbine) and Robert Glancy (who has written several novels including Terms & Conditions) somehow came across my reviews of their books and posted comments in response, for instance; that was pretty awesome.

Journalism is an exciting field, but I’d recommend freelance journalism/writing to my best friend only if I hate her very much and want her to be broke for the rest of her life. The speed with which certain newspapers and magazines issue payments (if they pay at all!) … let’s just say my great, great, great grandkittens are going to be very rich.

Anny: Why does print media still exist?

Sameen: What else are you going to line your hamster cage with? What will you use to package breakables? And how else are you going to do papier-mâché?

Seriously though, for me personally, digital just can’t compare to print. Be it books or newspapers and magazines, I will always prefer the print versions.

Us: What’s more fun, reviews or interviews?

Sameen: Interview pieces are easier to write, but you’re basically helping relay someone else’s thoughts, so, while it’s interesting journalistically, it’s not as rewarding for you as a writer. Reviews are definitely more fun to write.

Us: You are the first Pakistani critic who has been approved by Rotten Tomatoes. What is it like to have your reviews on RT?

Sameen: Initially, it just seemed unbelievable. I was fairly certain they had made a mistake. Surely there was another film critic also named Sameen Amer (for that is such a common name) they were confusing me with?

I’ve since made peace with the fact that I’m super awesome, so while being Tomatometer-approved still feels incredible, it seems less surreal now.

Anny: Has being on Rotten Tomatoes changed anything for you? Do you eat more or less tomatoes as a result?

Sameen: Heck no @ tomatoes. I refuse to eat tomatoes. Down with healthy foods! Turn the tomatoes into sauce and put it on a pizza with extra cheese and a side of fries, thank you very much.

I actually did ask the folks at RT if being Tomatometer-approved came with any perks, like a lifetime supply of (preferably not rotten) tomatoes; they did not answer that query. They did confirm that I am (and congratulate me for being) the first critic from Pakistan approved by RT, so … yay, I guess? #HumbleBrag

Tooba (sub-editor): If you were writing your autobiography, what title would you give it?

Sameen: Well That Went Terribly Wrong: The Story of My Life by Sameen Amer.

Hazel (friend): What was your last dream about? 

Sameen: The last dream I remember having was … [thinks] oh dear … I … dreamt … that … I … (I can’t believe I’m typing this) … I dreamt that I was trying to interview One Direction (??) but they kept showing up in twos and threes and kept randomly leaving. 

Even in my dreams I’m trying to interview people, and even in my dreams it’s not going well!

I also dreamt a few months ago that I was interviewing Will Smith. (??!!) 

Why, brain, why!

Haroon (singer): What is your biggest dream?

Sameen: At the moment, it would be to never have a dream about One Direction again.

I’m scared to go to sleep. What if they return?

Help me!

Hazel: What is your most embarrassing moment? 

Sameen: Right now ranks fairly high on the list.

Anny: Are there any public figures you have wanted to interview but not been able to pin down?

Sameen: Other than 1D, you mean? Who, according to the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind, I’m desperate to interview? (I really need to have a word with my subconscious!)

We did a special animal rights issue of Us Mag after my lovely friendly stray dog, Rocket, was brutally killed by the animal culling brigade. We reached out to various political parties to inquire their stance on animal rights, but did not hear back from any of them. Two of my friends introduced me to political figures, and even though both politicians were supposedly interested – one actually said their party leader speaking to me about animal rights would be a “very good idea” – delays and evasiveness eventually followed and the interviews never materialized. 

You’d think the government is meant to both represent and be answerable to the people, but sometimes it just doesn’t feel like it.

Haroon: What is the one thing you believe would make you the happiest?

Sameen: If there was a way to help all the animals everywhere, if I knew animals would always get help and not have to suffer – I think that would make me the happiest. Nothing breaks my heart more than watching animals suffer.

Hazel: What is the funniest thing your cats have done?

Sameen: They do several funny things per minute, so it’s hard to pick the funniest.

Haroon: If you could go back and change something about your life, what would it be?

Sameen: That’s a tough one. Everything that has happened in my life has made me who I am. If I were to change anything about my past, then I wouldn’t be me anymore. So I suppose I shouldn’t change anything?

Xulfi: If you had many superpowers and had to give one up, which one would you let go?

Sameen: DC’s Section 8 superhero team has a member called Dogwelder, whose “power” is that he can “weld dead canines to evildoers”. So yeah, totally don’t need that superpower!

Which power I’d give up would ultimately depend on which powers I had though. Like, I could give up web-shooting if I also had, say, superstrength and the ability to fly, for instance.

Nilofar & Amer (parents): If you were the President of the Galaxy, what would you do?

Sameen: Resign. I’m no Zaphod Beeblebrox.

Tooba: If you were stranded alone on a desert island and were only allowed to have three things, what would you take with you?

Sameen: Wait, why on Earth am I even on this island? Who is taking care of Jolly? Have they been giving her her daily inhaler?

I don’t need to take three things with me; just the one will do: a fully-equipped, remotely piloted aircraft with GPS and satellite communication. Get me the hell out of here!

Jolly (furbaby): [walks on keyboard] yhgyhjnkg

Sameen: Now look what you’ve done, Tooba. You’ve upset little Jolly! 

Don’t let Aunty Tooba worry you, my lovely ball of fur; I’ll be back from that imaginary island before you know it!

Xulfi: What will your reaction be if one day it dawns upon the world that COVID-19 was actually a software update for Earth?

Sameen: I’ll be upset at the programmers for causing our avatars so much grief.

Before we chalk this up to a software bug or a glitch in the Matrix though, we must consider a much simpler explanation: we’re just in the darkest timeline. (#SixSeasonsAndAMovie) We really should have realized that a while ago. Like, the Holocaust pretty much gave it away. Also pineapple pizzas. And deep-fried Mars bars. And Taylor Swift. And the Kardashians. (The Kardashians alone make a pretty convincing case, some would argue.)

(Oh and full disclosure: I’ve never actually had a pineapple pizza. Or a deep-fried Mars bar. But in my defence, why would I even want to?)

Us: What advice would you like to give to the sub-editors of Us Magazine?

Sameen: Pay me already! Thanks a bunch.

Us: Any message for the readers?

Sameen: To borrow from Fred Rogers: Be kind. Be kind. Be kind.

Us Magazine, The News International - 19th June, 2020 *