cover story
Sameen Amer has been conducting interviews for Us for years, helping us find out more about our favourite celebrities. But now we have finally managed to turn the tables! Together with some of Sameen’s friends, we have asked her a bunch of questions so that we can learn more about our star interviewer. Read on to find out more about our focus of the week…
Us: So, we have a few questions for you. Are you ready?
Sameen: Not really. I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?
Us: Probably, yes.
Sameen: At least you’re honest about it. Go on then…
Anny (friend): What is the first thing you remember writing?
Sameen: The first thing I remember writing is a poem. I was maybe 4 or 5 years old at the time. And yes, I still remember the poem, because I was clearly so proud of it that I decided to commit it not just to any sort of fleeting memory but to long-term, permanent memory. You can hardly blame me though, for it’s an absolute masterpiece:
I have a pet bunny,
It is very funny,
It likes to eat honey,
But has no money.
See? Told you it was pure genius. I’ll take my Pulitzer now, thanks.
I also remember writing embarrassingly ridiculous letters to my mom’s brother (who lives abroad) when I was a kid. If anyone ever finds them, burn them immediately, then take their ashes and feed them to a llama, and neuralize yourself to erase all memory of what you just saw. Also, take the poor llama to a vet because how could you feed it ashes? So irresponsible!
Us: What inspired you to become a writer?
Sameen: Did you read that bunny poem I wrote? I mean, it was clearly inevitable that I’d spend my life blessing the world with my writings.
More relevant to Us Magazine though, I somehow ended up studying computer science (for reasons that still remain a mystery to me) in my teens, and to escape that torture, I started writing for Us. The rest, as they say, is just pure damn luck.
Xulfi (musician): In a parallel universe, what do you think you would be doing?
Sameen: When I was a child, I really, really wanted to be an astronaut, so I hope some alternative version of me got to live that (ridiculously improbable) dream.
Much more likely though is that my parallel universe self is trying to do comedy (and hopefully having more luck than I am).
Us: How has your writing style changed over time?
Sameen: I’m not sure it has. You can’t really top “bunny, funny, honey, money”, can you, so why even try.
Margaret & Dennis (Aussie parents): What is the most interesting response you have ever received to something you have written? And would you recommend journalism as a career to your best friend?
Sameen: It’s always fascinating when the subjects of an article or the people mentioned therein unexpectedly respond to the piece. Like, when
Dave Cullen (author of
Columbine) and
Robert Glancy (who has written several novels including
Terms & Conditions) somehow came across my reviews of their books and posted comments in response, for instance; that was pretty awesome.
Journalism is an exciting field, but I’d recommend freelance journalism/writing to my best friend only if I hate her very much and want her to be broke for the rest of her life. The speed with which certain newspapers and magazines issue payments (if they pay at all!) … let’s just say my great, great, great grandkittens are going to be very rich.
Anny: Why does print media still exist?
Sameen: What else are you going to line your hamster cage with? What will you use to package breakables? And how else are you going to do papier-mâché?
Seriously though, for me personally, digital just can’t compare to print. Be it books or newspapers and magazines, I will always prefer the print versions.
Us: What’s more fun, reviews or interviews?
Sameen: Interview pieces are easier to write, but you’re basically helping relay someone else’s thoughts, so, while it’s interesting journalistically, it’s not as rewarding for you as a writer. Reviews are definitely more fun to write.
Us: You are the first Pakistani critic who has been approved by Rotten Tomatoes. What is it like to have your reviews on RT?
Sameen: Initially, it just seemed unbelievable. I was fairly certain they had made a mistake. Surely there was another film critic also named Sameen Amer (for that is such a common name) they were confusing me with?
I’ve since made peace with the fact that I’m super awesome, so while being Tomatometer-approved still feels incredible, it seems less surreal now.
Anny: Has being on Rotten Tomatoes changed anything for you? Do you eat more or less tomatoes as a result?
Sameen: Heck no @ tomatoes. I refuse to eat tomatoes. Down with healthy foods! Turn the tomatoes into sauce and put it on a pizza with extra cheese and a side of fries, thank you very much.
I actually did ask the folks at RT if being Tomatometer-approved came with any perks, like a lifetime supply of (preferably not rotten) tomatoes; they did not answer that query. They did confirm that I am (and congratulate me for being) the first critic from Pakistan approved by RT, so … yay, I guess? #HumbleBrag
Tooba (sub-editor): If you were writing your autobiography, what title would you give it?
Sameen: Well That Went Terribly Wrong: The Story of My Life by Sameen Amer.
Hazel (friend): What was your last dream about?
Sameen: The last dream I remember having was … [thinks] oh dear … I … dreamt … that … I … (I can’t believe I’m typing this) … I dreamt that I was trying to interview One Direction (??) but they kept showing up in twos and threes and kept randomly leaving.
Even in my dreams I’m trying to interview people, and even in my dreams it’s not going well!
I also dreamt a few months ago that I was interviewing Will Smith. (??!!)
Why, brain, why!
Haroon (singer): What is your biggest dream?
Sameen: At the moment, it would be to never have a dream about One Direction again.
I’m scared to go to sleep. What if they return?
Help me!
Hazel: What is your most embarrassing moment?
Sameen: Right now ranks fairly high on the list.
Anny: Are there any public figures you have wanted to interview but not been able to pin down?
Sameen: Other than 1D, you mean? Who, according to the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind, I’m desperate to interview? (I really need to have a word with my subconscious!)
We did a special animal rights issue of Us Mag after my lovely friendly stray dog, Rocket, was brutally killed by the animal culling brigade. We reached out to various political parties to inquire their stance on animal rights, but did not hear back from any of them. Two of my friends introduced me to political figures, and even though both politicians were supposedly interested – one actually said their party leader speaking to me about animal rights would be a “very good idea” – delays and evasiveness eventually followed and the interviews never materialized.
You’d think the government is meant to both represent and be answerable to the people, but sometimes it just doesn’t feel like it.
Haroon: What is the one thing you believe would make you the happiest?
Sameen: If there was a way to help all the animals everywhere, if I knew animals would always get help and not have to suffer – I think that would make me the happiest. Nothing breaks my heart more than watching animals suffer.
Hazel: What is the funniest thing your cats have done?
Sameen: They do several funny things per minute, so it’s hard to pick the funniest.
Haroon: If you could go back and change something about your life, what would it be?
Sameen: That’s a tough one. Everything that has happened in my life has made me who I am. If I were to change anything about my past, then I wouldn’t be me anymore. So I suppose I shouldn’t change anything?
Xulfi: If you had many superpowers and had to give one up, which one would you let go?
Sameen: DC’s Section 8 superhero team has a member called Dogwelder, whose “power” is that he can “weld dead canines to evildoers”. So yeah, totally don’t need that superpower!
Which power I’d give up would ultimately depend on which powers I had though. Like, I could give up web-shooting if I also had, say, superstrength and the ability to fly, for instance.
Nilofar & Amer (parents): If you were the President of the Galaxy, what would you do?
Sameen: Resign. I’m no Zaphod Beeblebrox.
Tooba: If you were stranded alone on a desert island and were only allowed to have three things, what would you take with you?
Sameen: Wait, why on Earth am I even on this island? Who is taking care of Jolly? Have they been giving her her daily inhaler?
I don’t need to take three things with me; just the one will do: a fully-equipped, remotely piloted aircraft with GPS and satellite communication. Get me the hell out of here!
Jolly (furbaby): [walks on keyboard] yhgyhjnkg
Sameen: Now look what you’ve done, Tooba. You’ve upset little Jolly!
Don’t let Aunty Tooba worry you, my lovely ball of fur; I’ll be back from that imaginary island before you know it!
Xulfi: What will your reaction be if one day it dawns upon the world that COVID-19 was actually a software update for Earth?
Sameen: I’ll be upset at the programmers for causing our avatars so much grief.
Before we chalk this up to a software bug or a glitch in the Matrix though, we must consider a much simpler explanation: we’re just in the darkest timeline. (#SixSeasonsAndAMovie) We really should have realized that a while ago. Like, the Holocaust pretty much gave it away. Also pineapple pizzas. And deep-fried Mars bars. And Taylor Swift. And the Kardashians. (The Kardashians alone make a pretty convincing case, some would argue.)
(Oh and full disclosure: I’ve never actually had a pineapple pizza. Or a deep-fried Mars bar. But in my defence, why would I even want to?)
Us: What advice would you like to give to the sub-editors of Us Magazine?
Sameen: Pay me already! Thanks a bunch.
Us: Any message for the readers?
Sameen: To borrow from Fred Rogers: Be kind. Be kind. Be kind.
Us Magazine, The News International - 19th June, 2020 *
Few companies seem as impervious to criticism as Happy Madison appears to be. Undeterred by the critical ravaging that its features have been receiving, Adam Sandler’s production outfit keeps churning out lacklustre comedies (often starring Sandler’s friends) that all end up being similar shades of awful. It isn’t exactly surprising then that the production company’s latest film, The Wrong Missy, is all kinds of, well, wrong. 
.jpg)
