Two Thousand and Nine

Helping you plan your year in advance

We’ve said goodbye to 2008, and now we welcome the New Year by taking a look at what’s scheduled for 2009. (All the events and releases are, of course, subject to change depending on circumstances/ laziness of the people involved).


2009 is:

- The International Year of Astronomy: 2009 has been declared as the International Year of Astronomy by the UN in an effort to “help the citizens of the world rediscover their place in the Universe through the day- and night-time sky, and thereby engage a personal sense of wonder and discovery”. Joy. (Visit www.astronomy2009.org if you’re not easily bored.)

- Not just that, 2009 is also the International Year of Natural Fibres: Seeing how much we’ve learned about potatoes and their importance in 2008, we can hardly wait for the UN to raise our awareness of natural fibres while boosting the performance of the natural fibres industries. (To find out what the heck they mean by “natural fibres” anyway, go to www.naturalfibres2009.org.)


Political landscape and the economy

Last year the world overdosed on democracy, thanks to America and their seemingly never-ending electoral process. This year (a quick search on Google has revealed that) elections of one variety or the other are expected in various countries including Iran, Germany, Indonesia, Panama, Macedonia, Republic of Congo, Algeria, Malawi, Portugal, Norway, as well as many others. Even India has its parliamentary elections scheduled for May 2009. Therefore it is safe to assume that CNN will not be going out of business anytime soon. The focus of the year, however, will continue to be on Barack Obama as he takes office in January.

As for the economy…well, we’ve come to the point where whenever someone mentions the word “economy” to us, all we get is this mental picture of some unfortunate company executive jumping off the 98th floor of a skyscraper, and every time someone starts talking about it, we get a terrible headache, so we’ll keep it short and simple: it doesn’t look good. But not to worry: if it doesn’t start to improve in the first quarter or two, we can always start up that Large Hadron Collider thing again.


Books

Yes, books still exist. No, just because the Harry Potter series is over doesn’t give you an excuse to give up reading. Many works - both fiction and non-fiction - are slated to be released in 2009. The world’s favourite legal-fiction writer John Grisham returns with his new novel The Associate. Stephen King’s latest horror thriller Under The Dome is expected to hit the bookshelves this fall, while Stephenie Meyer is set to release The Twilight Saga: The Official Guide which will give further information on the world of the Twilight series. 2009 also sees the release of Lee Child’s Gone Tomorrow; and Lord Sunday the seventh book in Garth Nix's series The Keys to the Kingdom. Heck, even Sarah Palin is expected to “write” a book, having secured a book deal (reportedly worth $7m!!); we can only hope it’ll be as amusing as her interviews!


Movies

It was franchise films like The Dark Knight, Iron Man, Quantum of Solace, and even Twilight that ruled the box office in 2008. And 2009 is likely to go down the same path, with a number of prequels and sequels among the most highly anticipated films of the year. These include X-Men Origins: Wolverine (May), Terminator Salvation (May), Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen (June), Night At The Museum 2: Battle Of The Smithsonian (May), Angels & Demons (May), Star Trek (May), and the one that everyone who is me is particularly looking forward to: the animated hilarity of Ice Age; Dawn of the Dinosaurs (July).

But the one that almost everyone who is reading these words must surely be waiting for is the sixth instalment in the Harry Potter series, with Potter mania expected to grip the world in July with the release of Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince. Meanwhile, Disney fans will be flocking to the cinemas when Hannah Montana: The Movie comes out in April, while star power is likely to draw attention towards the ensemble powered New York, I Love You (February), which features appearances by Orlando Bloom, Hayden Christensen, Shia LaBeouf, Natalie Portman, Christina Ricci, Ethan Hawke, and Kevin Bacon. Other notable releases include the chick-flick Bride Wars (January), the romantic comedy He’s Just Not That Into You (February), the spy-thriller Duplicity (March), the animated Monsters vs. Aliens (March), crime drama Public Enemies (July), action driven The Taking Of Pelham 123 (July), and the dark comedy The Informant (September).


Music

Music fans are expecting a lot from 2009: albums are expected from bands and artists including Pearl Jam, Dave Matthews Band, U2, Franz Ferdinand, the Goo Goo Dolls, Aerosmith, Muse, Tori Amos, Hoobastank, Michelle Branch, Eminem, 50 Cent and even Michael Jackson. We hope that at least some of these albums will be as good as we expect them to be, and make 2009 way more interesting than the year that preceded it. But if we’re really unlucky, then Paris Hilton will actually release that second album she’s been threatening the world with for the last few months; even the thought of that makes us shudder. There are even rumours that Guns N’ Roses could release another new album in ‘09, but we all know that that is SO not happening. Also, American Idol returns for its eighth season, while previous winners Kelly Clarkson and Taylor Hicks are expected to issue their new albums this year.

On the local front, Pakistani music will try to recover from the slump that was last year, with a lot of hope resting on the new album by the Meekal Hasan Band, which is slated for a 2009 release. Also scheduled for ’09 are albums by Inteha, Call, and Raeth. Oh and the Kaavish debut album is expected to come out any decade now (barring any unforeseen delays).


Sports

Pakistan has been struggling in the sporting arena in the last few years, and our inability to win medals and tournaments has only been made worse by the cancellation of the sporting events that were supposed to be held in Pakistan. Last year the ICC Champions Trophy was postponed due to security concerns, and the cricket teams of India and Australia also pulled out of their tour to Pakistan. But here’s the good news: the Champions trophy is expected to come back to Pakistan this year, and we can only hope that it won’t be cancelled this time. In addition, Sri Lanka have stepped in to tour PK in place of India, Australia could complete their cancelled tour, and New Zealand might also visit us for a tour.

Apart from cricket, the year will, of course, also see the annual football leagues and championships. Rafael Nadal will try to cement his No. 1 ranking in tennis when the year kicks off with the Australian Open, baseball has its 105th World Series, WWE holds its 25th Annual WrestleMania in April, while the fifth edition of the Rugby Sevens World Cup will be held in Dubai.


So there you have it – the events that are scheduled for 2009. But how will the year actually turn out? Will this be the only time you’ll read the words “natural fibres” in 2009? Will Obama be able to bring peace to the world? Can Pakistan manage to host any cricket tournaments this year? Can any Pakistani band manage to actually release an album on schedule? And - most importantly - will Us Magazine return to its 24-paged glory? We can’t really say (on account of not being fortune tellers), but we assure you 2009 will reveal all the answers!

- By Sameen Amer

Us Magazine, The News - 2nd January, 2009

Rewind

Pakistani musicians comment on the state of the music industry in 2008.

Umar Mansoor (Kain)
Well, in my opinion 2008 was a dull year for music in Pakistan apart from the debut video of Azal, Aisee Tesi, which was based on the corrupt atmosphere of our society, the debut solo album of Shafqat Amanat Ali with the hit track Kheriyan, and the epic songs by Rahat Ali Khan in his album Charkha. The highly expected albums of 2008 were Meekal Hassan’s and Call’s upcoming albums, but I think due to the unstable conditions of the country, they have not been released yet. Apart from all that, there was the same old commercialised stuff; same old Jal, same old Atif Aslam wearing "shocking colours", and same old Ali Zafar with some new models in his videos. Mizmaar and Ali Azmat were two of the few rock releases this year. Ali Azmat – my all time favourite – came out with Kalashinfolk with a different sound, that is reggae rock, this time; the songs Leh Sambhal was my favourite – kudos to Ali Azmat, the only man who supports and understands rock in Pakistan. Other than that, no good rock music made its way to my ears. I expect a lot of good music in 2009 from Call and the Meekal Hassan Band, and I hope the music scene will be a bit more impressive and less commercialised in 2009. As far as I am concerned, I will most probably release some more videos of both of my projects (Kain and The Max Project) and maybe an album in late 2009.

Atif Aslam
Pakistani music industry is improving day-by-day. A lot of good people are coming and performing really well. I like the songs by Azal. All we need is that people should consider it seriously – some are coming only to get fame and money, losing focus on their passion for music; if that’s not there, it won’t work!

Sami Khan (Lagan)
A lot happened in Pakistani Pop in 2008: good videos, many new albums, but I totally failed to understand why there was no impact of most of the releases, be it a new artist or senior. It’s sad that now our people only appreciate or listen to the stuff released in across-the-border movies. It’s about time we start taking our local talent seriously and appreciate them and give them the respect and return they deserve. On the whole, I think 2008 was quite productive, as a lot of talented artists were added to the industry, like Falak, Zeb and Haniya, and many more. Many senior artists released their new albums with new flavours, like Shehzad Roy, Ahmed Jahanzeb, and the Strings. I am hoping that 2009 is even better for all artists, including Lagan.

Faakhir
We’ve been increasingly dependent on Bollywood to give us some sort of endorsement so that we can bask in the glory of the most popular source of entertainment in the subcontinent – Indian cinema! The sad thing is that they are not using Pakistani music; they are simply using Pakistani voices to sing on the tunes composed by Indian musicians. Other than that, the ongoing financial crunch, worldwide failure in combating music piracy in all its forms and manifestations, and then the law and order situation in our country resulted in the reversal of all the good work done by us in the last few years. So, overall, the year has not been a good one for music in Pakistan, but some really good music albums have been released during 2008. And I see a great 2009, because the resilience and never say die attitude of our highly talented and passionate musicians has done it before and we’ll do it again!
On a personal front, I’d taken time off work since my father was diagnosed with a major ailment in 2006. He passed away in November 2008. Therefore, I did not come up with anything new this year. But I am due for an album next year. However, this year, one of my songs, Marjawan, from my first album Aatish, was picked up to be featured in a Hollywood thriller called Stiletto as part of its background score. Marjawan’s inclusion in an English film proves that we can also successfully sell our music directly to Hollywood and other international clients instead of routing our work through India.

Sam (Akash)
Overall this year was a bit cold because of the security issues. Most of the shows got cancelled just because of the threats and bomb blasts. Business in the industry was quite cold, as I’ve mentioned before, but still a few artists managed to release their albums, although most of them couldn’t sell. Also, most of the artist made highly expensive videos, but the standard of the audios was not up to the mark. As far as Akash is concerned, 2008 was a bit good for us. Our biggest achievement was the Indian tour where we performed four shows in Punjab and Delhi, although we had to cancel two of our shows because of the terrorist attacks in Mumbai. Still we manage to perform and we also released our album this year in USA.

Nausher Javed (Inteha)
Year 2008 has not been a very good year for the music industry as very few albums got hype and approval from the audience. Indeed some excellent videos came out, like Laga Reh by Shehzad Roy, but again they hardly stabilized the music scene. The main reason has no doubt been the politically unstable situation of Pakistan. The recent Mumbai crisis and the situation in Karachi acted as fuel to the fire. This is one of the reasons why we had to delay the release of our debut album Kehna Chahta Hoon, which was due to be released in December. We hope Pakistan’s situation soothes in the forthcoming year and we get the chance to hear some good music.

- By S.A.

Us Magazine, The News - 2nd January, 2009

MMVIII

This may not be how you remember it

A long time ago, that is earlier this year, a lot of things happened. So as we bid farewell to the year, we recount some of the (few) highs and (many) lows of 2008.

But before we delve into the main events of the year that is but will soon be was, we must first take a look at what was happening in the background to make the year a little worse for the inhabitants of planet earth:


THE BACKDROP

- Global economic/financial crisis: Making us wonder if there is some secret competition between countries as to who can ruin their economy the most, the world spiraled uncontrollably down the financial-crisis drain. Inflation, record high oil prices, increased unemployment, credit crunch, bankruptcy of investment and commercial banks, and stock market crashes ensued.
- Load-shedding: While US scientists came one step closer to cloning the Woolly Mammoth, WAPDA decided to give the Pakistani populace it’s own taste of the Stone Age by depriving most of the country of electricity for extended parts of the day for the entire year. Now we really know how the Dodo must’ve felt!
- Unrest: In their quest to make the world a safer place by bombing every country they can think of, USA was so successful in its fight against terrorism that there were hardly any terrorist attacks or suicide bombings this year. Of course there was the Marriott Hotel attack…and the Jaipur and Bangalore and Ahmedabad and Mumbai attacks, and the bombings in Baghdad and Kirkuk and Diyarbakır and Dimona and Kabul and Kandahar, and the ones in Wah, and outside the Danish embassy in Islamabad, and…
- Natural disasters: Feeling left out, nature decided to join in on the task of making people miserable. This resulted in calamities including earthquakes in Chengdu (China) and Baluchistan (Pakistan), as well as a tornado outbreak in Southern United States, floods in Santa Catarina (Brazil), and the Cyclone Nargis in Burma/Myanmar.

So with that out of the way, here it is: 2008 in all its (very limited) glory…


THE EVENTS

January
· Year of the Potato: The UN declared 2008 the International Year of the Potato, a fact that the majority of the population of the world would remain blissfully unaware of for the rest of the year.
· Iraqi Flag: The Iraqis, forever dissatisfied with the design of their flag, decided to change it yet again, the fifth time they’ve done this since 1921, and no, they’re still not sure it’s quite as perfect as they want it to be. Expect more changes soon.

February
· Pakistani Elections: General elections (originally scheduled for January and delayed till February due to riots following the death of Benazir Bhutto) were held. PPP and PML (N) agreed to agree with each other just long enough to form a coalition government with Yosaf Raza Gillani as the Prime Minister. Meanwhile, people tried to get justice for the deposed judges, including the ousted Chief Justice Iftikhar Muhammad Chaudhry; the issue would remain a subject of much debate for the rest of the year.
· Kosovo Independence: Kosovo declared its independence from Serbia. Ten points to anyone who can mark either Kosovo or Serbia on the world map…
· Cuban Presidency: Big change in Cuba – President Fidel Castro (who resigned due to “critical health condition”) was replaced by, umm, his brother Raul Castro. Revolutionary.
· Yahoo! acquisition attempts by Microsoft: In it’s ongoing mission to ruin Yahoo!, Microsoft made various takeover offers to Yahoo!, all of which were subsequently rebuffed. By the end of the year, after being pounded with criticism by stockholders, Microsoft watched smugly as Yahoo! co-founder Jerry Yang announced that he will be stepping down as CEO.

March
· Russian Elections: After serving as the President of Russia for two terms, Vladimir Putin was ineligible to run for a third consecutive term as the President, so they decided to make him the Prime Minister instead. Dmitry Medvedev won the presidential election and then nominated Putin for the post of the PM.

April
· Politics in Kenya: The formation of a coalition government and the appointment of Raila Odinga as the Prime Minister of Kenya marked the end of the political crisis in Kenya. Now you must be thinking “What? There was a political crisis in Kenya?!!” Yes, we didn’t know either.
· Indian Satellites: ‘India set a world record by sending ten satellites into orbit in a single launch’. Showoffs.

May
· Nepal monarchy: After considering its pros and cons for 240 years, Nepal finally decided to abolish monarchy and establish ‘The Federal Democratic Republic of Nepal’.
· Premier League and UEFA Champions League: Manchester United retained their Premier League title, and also won the Champions League by defeating Chelsea in the CL final (6–5 on penalties, 1–1 draw after extra time). Take that, Man U bashers!

June
· Microsoft: Bloatware manufacturers Microsoft Corporation’s Chairman Bill Gates stepped down from “daily duties” to “concentrate on philanthropy”. Seeking redemption, eh Mr. Gates?

July
· 34th G8 summit: The heads of the world’s “richest industrialized countries” got together for a photo-op in Hokkaidō, Japan.
· The Dark Knight: The Dark Knight was released. It was depressingly awesome.

August
· US Presidential Election: John McCain decided that he didn’t want to be the US President after all, so he chose Alaska governor Sarah Palin as the Republican party’s Vice-Presidential nominee. The strategy worked. (See November for details.)
· South Ossetia war: Georgia and Russia went to war over South Ossetia, an issue the world would’ve paid a lot more attention to had it not been for the…
· 2008 Summer Olympics: Beijing, China. 08-08-08 to 24-08-08. Most expensive games ever. 43 new world records, 132 new Olympic records. China: 51Gold, 21Silver, 28Bronze; USA: 36G, 38S, 36B; Russia: 23G, 21S, 28B; Great Britain: 19G, 13S, 15B; Pakistan: 0G, 0S, 0B. Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps.
· Musharraf Resignation: With the axe of impeachment swinging over his head, Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf chose to avoid impeachment by opting to resign instead; he did this not because even “a single charge in the impeachment [could] stand against [him]” – of course not, how dare you even think that! – but because he loves Pakistan too much to ruin it any more than he already has in the last nine years. A true patriot, him.
· Tennis: The very amazing Rafael Nadal became “the 24th man in the history of the ATP Rankings to rank No. 1 in the world”. He replaced the very amazing Roger Federer, who was No. 1 for a record four-and-a-half years.

September
· Pakistani Presidential Election: Pakistani politics continued to astound/baffle/confuse/horrify people when Benazir Bhutto’s widower Asif Ali Zardari was “elected” as the president of Pakistan. While Pervez Musharraf had run the country on a strict ‘if it ain’t broke, break it’ policy, Zardari offers a new approach to the system as he seems to be following the ‘if it’s broke, don’t fix it’ program of governance.
· US Debt: Always looking for more milestones to achieve, America got another reason to celebrate when the U.S. federal debt passed the $10 trillion mark for the first time. Americans of the past had never even dreamed this day would come, which would explain why $10,000,000,000,000 would not fit on their debt clock, and the clock’s dollar sign had to be replaced by the extra digit. Congratulations America! Next target: $10 umptisquiddlyzillion.
· Big Bang Experiment: The world’s top scientists tried to destroy the Earth in guise of a science experiment that aimed to collide high-speed beams of protons in the Large Hadron Collider. LHC however ran into some trouble and will not be operational again until spring 2009. The estimated cost of the project? Somewhere between €3.2–6.4 billion. Good thing no one’s starving in this world and poverty has been eliminated from the planet, otherwise these scientists would’ve looked like a bunch of heartless morons.
· Zimbabwe Politics: Zimbabwe president Robert Mugabe and opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai signed a power-sharing deal, as a result of which Mugabe would “continue to retain control over the army”, and Zimbabwe would continue to self-destruct.

October
· Kashmir Trade: ‘A trade route opens within Pakistan-administered Kashmir and India’s Jammu and Kashmir state after a 60-year barrier.’ Yes, it only took us six decades to figure out that cooperation might not be such a bad idea after all.
· Eid ul-Fitr: Dunya bhar mai Eid ul-Fitr pooray josh-o-kharosh sae manaey gaey.
· India’s Moon Mission: The Indian Space Research Organization launched its first unmanned moon mission, Chandrayaan-1, which aims to “survey the surface of the moon” and “attempt to locate resources”. Looks like someone didn’t get the ‘the moon is a barren piece of rock’ memo…

November
· US Presidential Election: Barack Obama was elected (by humans, sorry Isaac Asimov) as the president of the universe United States of America, becoming the first black president of the US, much thanks to George W Bush – had he not messed up his country so much, do you think they would’ve been open to such historic change?
· Formula One: At 23, Lewis Hamilton clinched the 2008 Formula One World Championship, becoming the youngest driver, as well as the first driver of black heritage, to win the title.
· Piracy in Somalia: Pirates (who had been hijacking cargo ships “off the coast of Somalia”) began hijacking ships “well outside the Gulf of Aden”. And just like everything else, this too is Hollywood’s fault; they just had to go and “glamorize” piracy, didn’t they. These pirates must clearly be inspired by Johnny Depp, because we can’t think of any other reason why they’d go around hijacking ships full of oil.

December
· Holidays: Eid ul-Adha, Hanukkah, and Christmas were celebrated by Muslims, Jews, and Christians respectively.
· Leap Second: Just when we thought the year was finally about to end, they decided to add another second to it. A WHOLE extra second. Like, WHY would anyone want to make 2008 any longer than it already is?!!
· End of the year: Thank God.


FAREWELL

· Ahmed Faraz (77) – poet, considered one of the ‘greatest modern Urdu poets of the last century’.
· Arthur C Clarke (90) – science-fiction author and futurist, famous for his novel ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’.
· Bernie Mac (50) – actor and comedian, appeared in ‘Ocean’s Eleven’ and its two sequels.
· Charlton Heston (84) – actor, known for playing heroic roles in movies such as ‘The Ten Commandments’, ‘Planet of the Apes’, ‘Ben-Hur’.
· David Foster Wallace (46) – author of ‘Infinite Jest’.
· Edmund Hillary (88) – mountaineer and explorer, first person to reach the summit of Mount Everest.
· Heath Ledger (28) – actor, appeared in movies including ‘Ten Things I Hate About You’, ‘Brokeback Mountain’, and ‘The Dark Knight’.
· Michael Crichton (66) – author, wrote ‘Jurassic Park’ and ‘The Lost World’.
· Mitch Mitchell (62) – drummer, The Jimi Hendrix Experience.
· Paul Newman (83) – actor and director, appeared in hits like ‘Cat on a Hot Tin Roof’, ‘The Hustler’, ‘The Color of Money’, and ‘Road To Perdition’.
· Richard Wright (65) – musician, member of Pink Floyd.
· Roy Scheider (75) – actor, best known for his roles in ‘Jaws’, ‘All That Jazz’, ‘The French Connection’, and the television series ‘seaQuest DSV’.
· Sydney Pollack (73) – director, works include ‘The Way We Were’, ‘Absence of Malice’, ‘The Firm’ ‘The Interpreter’.
· Yves Saint Laurent (71) – fashion designer.

- By Sameen Amer

Us Magazine, The News - 26th December, 2008

Once more, without feeling...

music in 2008

- The very amazing Coldplay released their amazing new album ‘Viva La Vida or Death And All His Friends’ which comprised of ten amazing songs, including the very amazing singles Violet Hill, Viva La Vida, and Lost. Plagiarism accusations followed soon after.

- New Kids On The Block – now neither new, nor kids – reunited, fourteen years after parting way, and released a new single, titled Summertime. We refuse to admit that we liked it.

- Queen and Paul Rodgers got together to make an album, which was subsequently slammed by critics.

- Weezer continued to do what they do best – hire directors who make really cool videos. This resulted in the amusing YouTube-celebrities-featuring Pork and Beans and the multiple-record-setting Troublemaker.

- Death Cab For Cutie released a song that had a mindbogglingly long intro.

- Scarlett Johansson’s vanity album, the Tom Waits covers set Anywhere I Lay My Head, was snooze-inducingly boring…unless it was meant to induce sleep, in which case it was pretty good.

- Amy Winehouse was in the news an awful lot. Most of it had nothing to do with music.

- Oasis’ Noel Gallagher reproached Radiohead, saying that their new material sounds just like their old material. “Correct me if I'm wrong,” he was quoted as saying, “they've been making the same record since 'Kid A', have they not?”, which Oasis-bashers translated to: “Hi kettle. I’m pot. You’re black.”

- With the music industry becoming increasingly ‘talent: optional’, Katy Perry showed us that one can still become a hit no matter how phony, obnoxious, and desperately attention-seeking one may be.

- Pharrell made Madonna cry while they were working on her album Hard Candy, therefore we like Pharrell. And after being informed by the tabloids that their marriage wasn’t working, Madonna and Guy Ritchie realized that they should get a divorce, so they did.

- Lynard Skynard’s Sweet Home Alabama + Warren Zevon’s Werewolves Of London = Kid Rock’s All Summer Long = Surprisingly infectious international hit.

- Disney continued to milk its cash cow, releasing High School Musical 3: Senior Year on the big screen, much to the delight of the world’s schmaltz-addicted pre-teens. Said tweens also helped skyrocket Disney-powered-boy-band Jonas Brothers to unwarranted levels of success.

- Kanye West’s ego continued to annoy/concern/worry/amuse people.

- Funny: A satirical take on reality TV in the form of a mock talent contest that parodies reality talent shows.
Funnier: The title of the show: Britain’s Got the Pop Factor and Possibly a New Celebrity Jesus Christ Soapstar Superstar Strictly on Ice.
Funniest: The spoof single The Winner's Song, ironically beating actual 2007 X Factor winner Leon Jackson’s single Don't Call This Love in the British singles charts. Finally some reality that we approve of!

- The Pussycat Dolls revealed that when they were little, they’d dreamed of becoming famous stars with lots of groupies when they grow up. So basically they’ve become everything they always wanted. Now if only they’d grow up…

- Fall Out Boy set the record for “most radio interviews completed by a duo in 24 hours”, also setting the record for “setting the lamest possible record in the history of the world” in the process.

- Straining under declining rating, American Idol fizzled and then tried to over-hype their David vs. David finale, which frankly we can’t really see the logic behind, seeing how everyone already knew David would win.

- Britney Spears released the unbelievable irritating single Womanizer which featured such intelligent lyrics as “womanizer, woman-womanizer, you’re a womanizer / oh womanizer, oh you’re a womanizer, baby / you-you-you are, you-you-you are / womanizer, womanizer, womanizer (womanizer)”. And it ended up topping the charts in various countries. Seriously world? This is what you like?!!

- Bon Jovi made lots of money, then got sued for lots of money.

- Boyzone made it incredibly hard for us to love them when they returned after a 7-year hiatus with the godawful single Love You Anyway.

- Film stars got together to butcher ABBA songs in the movie musical Mamma Mia!, which according to Mark Kermode (BBC Radio 5) felt like “the closest you get to see A-List actors doing drunken karaoke”. With such positive reviews to back it up, it came as no surprise that the film ended up becoming ‘the biggest box office hit of 2008 in the UK’ and the ‘highest grossing movie musical of all time’.

- Pink got a divorce, wrote a song about the break up – which in part dissed her ex-husband – and then got her ex-husband to make a cameo in the video. Props to Carey Hart for being a good sport.

- Beyonce decided she wanted people to call her Sasha Fierce. She even released a double album titled I Am…Sasha Fierce, the first single off which talked about what she would do if she were a boy, and then she said she wants to play Wonder Woman in a movie. Poor girl…how identify crisis-ed is she?

- Much success was enjoyed by artists including Rihanna, Leona Lewis, Duffy, Chris Brown, Ne-Yo, and T.I.

- Keane finally realized that guitars aren’t so bad after all.

- Metallica redeemed themselves by releasing an album that was actually good enough for their fans to forgive them for the Napster fiasco. Well, almost.

- And Guns N’ Roses FINALLY released their 14-years-in-the-making album Chinese Democracy. The album generally got a positive reception, but we still think it could’ve been so much better had Axl worked on it a bit more, and spend another decade or two perfecting the sound.

- By S.A.

Us Magazine, The News - 26th December, 2008

And the award for the most boring award show goes to…

People continue to watch award shows. We continue to wonder why...

The Show

"Hollywood has its Oscars. Television has its Emmys. Broadway has its Tonys. And advertising has its Clios. And its Andys, Addys, Effies and Obies. And 117 other assorted Awards. And those are just the big ones." – Joanne Lipman

Award shows are usually described as events in which the rich and famous get together and congratulate each other on being rich and famous. By and large entertainment-free, these shows provide celebrities the chance to pat each other on the back, because apparently creating a piece of art, selling thousands of records, or being recognized worldwide and having a legion of fans who worship you isn’t reward enough in itself. Who needs intrinsic fulfilment when you can get a trophy to keep on your mantelpiece?

For even more ego massaging, such shows are televised so that the rest of the population can see how much more important celebrities are compared to the rest of us and how their jobs deserve much more accolade than that of an Average Joe.

But here’s the good thing about award shows: they guarantee that nothing fun will happen on tele during the four hours that the show is being aired, so they provide you with the chance to give your undivided attention to something more important – like actually watching the best movie of the year … twice – without wondering what’s on tele.

While one can sincerely hope that these shows get their ratings (which are declining, we’re glad to hear) based on TV sets people forgot to turn off, it does appear that millions of people around the world continue to watch something that will have absolutely no bearing on their lives. Why do people do that? I’m not sure, so I asked one of my friends, who replied: “I dunno, people do lots of stupid things, I can never understand why!”. So you can see why I like my friends. As for the reason why people watch award shows, I’m guessing it could be one of the following:

· To see how badly they’ll mess the event up: We like the way you think. Continue watching.
· Idle curiosity: Understandable, although your purpose can be served just as well by clips off YouTube; will help save many hours of your life.
· Because you have nothing better to do with your time: Consider yourself disapprovingly glared at, and adopt a new hobby NOW. We suggest soccer. It involves kicking a ball around a field with hopes that it will eventually end up in a goal. It might be just as pointless, but it sure as heck is more fun!
· To validate your low self-image by looking at others with over-inflated egos: Now that’s just sad. Seek therapy immediately.
· Because you genuinely want a program or movie or band to win: What? Seriously? WHY?!!


The Host

“When Laura Ziskin called, I was thrilled. There’s two things I’ve always wanted to do in my life. One is to host the Oscars. The second is to get a call from Laura Ziskin. You can imagine that day’s diary entry.” – Ellen DeGeneres

The host of the award show is the person who has the job of being funny, only he/she usually isn’t. So the host pretends to be funny, as the guests pretend to laugh, and the viewers pretend to watch. At best you’ll get half a dozen one liners which you don’t need to waste three or four hours for – you’ll conveniently find them online the next morning in an article that will point out why the show was the worst thing that has ever happened to television-watching humanity.

If, by some astronomical chance, the host is genuinely funny, rest assured that the celebrities in attendance won’t be amused, so the whole event will just be awkward at best. Expect uneasy smiles and forced chuckles. Hollywood appreciates easy, non-confrontational humour, and musicians particularly dislike laughing at themselves or their hypocrisy.


The Ceremony

"Two hours of sparkling entertainment, spread over four hours" - Johnny Carson

The award ceremony is the part of the show after which the celebrities will proceed to have a huge party and get lots of expensive gifts. The stars, clad in expensive clothes that will appear on fashion pages around the world the next morning, first walk down the red carpet where they give short interviews and tell the world which designer’s insanely expensive creation they’re wearing. Those of the local variety come complete with pretentious red carpet interviews where the celebrities (read: people who are under the illusion of being famous although ninety percent of our population doesn’t know who they are) pretend to act like they’re part of a show that will feature actual applause instead of fake one that’s added later.

The ceremony may include musical performances, commemorative bits, and – if time permits – handing out of awards. Awards are presented by presenters whose only job is to read off a teleprompter and hand the award to the winner. Very hard to mess up, you’d think, but the celebrities of the world are on a quest to prove you wrong. Expect flubs, off-the-point ramblings, and don’t be surprised if they forget to mention who the nominees are altogether!


The Performances

“Was that incredible? Britney Spears, everyone! Wow, she is amazing. She is 25 years old and she's already accomplished everything she's going to accomplish in her life. It's mind blowing.” – Sarah Silverman (MTV Video Music Awards, 2007)

In an effort to drag half an hour of proceedings to multiple hours, musical performances are added to award ceremonies in the form of artists lip-syncing singing songs that they’re sick of performing. Their lip-syncing performances might be accompanied by dance routines, choreographed to take the attention away from their lack of lip-syncing singing skills. This part of the show will also help the artists to validate their mediocrity, while giving you – the viewer – the chance to see what shows are on other channels and what you should be watching instead of the awards. Try seeing if a soccer match is in progress; there usually is.


The Awards

“I don’t know why we are so fascinated with actors. Playing dress up and repeating lines written for you in not genius. Roll the cameras, put on these clothes and pretend to be somebody else. Now say what we told you to say. This is not genius.” – Jerry Seinfeld (American Comedian Awards)

No one is quite sure how the nominees are selected, including the people who select the nominees. The winners, however, are usually chosen based on the following question: how ironic would it be to give the award to a person for a specific piece of work? The more the irony, the higher the chances of winning an award.

Occasionally, but not very often, the awards are accidentally given to people who actually did make an admirable piece of art, but such mistakes are deeply regretted by the award-givers. There is also speculation that the choice of winner is based on how badly messed up the life of the celebrity is, although these rumours have yet to be confirmed. The winners may be chosen by their peers, critics, the public, or through a lucky draw, depending on the award show. While the winner is ecstatic over winning a statuette, the losers can always take comfort in the fact that since their album/movie/TV show did not win an award, it must actually be good.


The Acceptance Speeches

"It's now official. There is no one left to thank in New Zealand." – Billy Crystal (Academy Awards, 2004)

Acceptance speeches are long-winded, self-indulgent tirades loaded with vanity remarks, uttered by those who receive awards. But what most people don’t know is that the acceptance speech is an experiment designed to show how much a person can embarrass themselves in one minute. Acceptance speech givers usually fall in one of the following categories:

· The forgetters: Will thank the entire population of Britain but will forget to mention their spouse. Expect divorce proceedings to begin by the end of the month.
· The criers: Are overwhelmed by the award. Or possibly saddened.
· The the-world-revolves-around-me types: See Kanye West.
· The humble: They try to pretend but are not very good at it.
· The just-won’t-shut-up-ers: Their speeches usually begin with the words “I will keep this brief…”.

The recipients are expected to speak for no more than – and this is the best part! – 45 seconds! A three or four hour ceremony and less than a minute to make your acceptance speech! Brilliant.


The Aftermath

“It’s a funny thing about winning an Academy Award, this will always be sort of synonymous with your name from here on. Oscar-winner George Clooney, sexiest man alive 1997, ‘Batman,’ died today in a freak accident.” – George Clooney (Academy Awards, 2006)

After the awards are handed out, the transmission concluded, the after-party over, the world will have a list of artists who have now increased their award count to mull over. Should that list matter? If it’s art, then should we be influenced by someone else’s judgement of it? Yes, there may be a part of us that wants our favourite movie/album/TV show to win, but the fact remains that we won’t like it any less if it doesn’t. And just because something or someone wins an award, we won’t – and shouldn’t – start liking it just based on the fact that it won an award. An actor or a musician should not be defined by the awards they get, and it’s sad if they are, because award shows are nothing more than self-satisfying gimmicks and publicity tools feeding off the world’s celebrity obsession. George C. Scott once described them as “a public display with contrived suspense for economic reasons”, and one can’t help but agree with that assessment; at least it helps to explain why they call it ‘show “business”’!

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The Other Side

While we’ve had a ball making fun of award shows, we (very reluctantly) decided to give musicians a chance to have their say on the topic. Do they agree with us? Read on to find out:

§ Abbas Ali Khan: It’s good to be rewarded for something that you have put your effort in. Award shows by Indus Network are getting mature every year as they are the pioneers of music awards in Pakistan, especially with MTV awards they are following the international pattern, so it’s much more professional. But otherwise most of the awards are biased and don't make any sense. By that I mean that categories and the nominations are absurd. Commercial artist are mixed up with alternative artists, and then they make the category “viewers choice” so who is suppose to get the award? The person who has a huge fan following despite average music or the person that has a niche but the music is great? Everybody should get a chance but then the categories should be specialized and not, for example, have musicians in the same category just because they both use guitars.

§ Umar Mansoor (Kain): In my opinion award ceremonies are pointless, because you only see actors, musicians, models and socialists showing off in front of the media. The jury is not fair most of the time. Mostly awards are given by votes or favouritism. Last but not least, to spice up these ceremonies dance numbers are choreographed which is totally pointless. It’s better to a little modest and organize a big private party instead of showing off like this.

§ Sam (Akash): I’m not in favour of awards, especially here in Pakistan, because here a style guru will be in the jury and judging a musician when he doesn’t know anything about the music. Mostly people in the jury give awards to the people they know, not just awards but even nominees as well. And our national awards…they don’t even know what is happening in the Pakistani music industry, so it’s better not to think about the awards!

- By Sameen Amer

Us Magazine, The News - 28th November, 2008

Mamma Mia!

movie review

A lot of hype accompanied the release of ‘Mamma Mia!’ – a movie based on the stage musical featuring the songs of the hugely successful Swedish pop band ABBA. With an all-star cast and music that still remains popular after more than three decades, the film seemed like a good idea theoretically. Then something went amiss: the movie was actually made.

Bound by possibly the flimsiest plot in the history of musicals, ‘Mamma Mia!’ is the story of Sophie Sheridan (Amanda Seyfried) who is engaged to Sky (Dominic Cooper) and doesn’t known who her father is, so she invites the three possible candidates Sam (Pierce Brosnan), Bill (Stellan Skarsgård) and Harry (Colin Firth) to her forthcoming wedding, without telling her mother Donna (Meryl Streep). They all like to sing ABBA songs, it turns out, and that’s what they do throughout the film. Only, most of them – with the surprising exception of relative newcomer Amanda Seyfried (of ‘Veronica Mars’ fame) – can’t really sing (and by the looks of it can’t really act either). Everything from Meryl Streep’s overacting to Pierce Brosnan’s attempts at singing (appalling!!) lead one to the conclusion that a world where people break into song, that too of the ABBA variety, every two minutes would be a very VERY scary place!

In an attempt to seem fun, the movie goes for being campy and in the process collapses on its own ridiculousness. The plot – if you can call it that – has so many holes in it that it puts a sieve to shame. The costumes are unflattering, the direction lacking, the whole project so flat that Stellan Skarsgård seems to have given up on the whole thing and Colin Firth just seems embarrassed to be there.

Am I being too hard on the film? Perhaps. But that’s only because I expected so much more of it. By the end, it is fairly obvious that the only point of the movie was to make lots of money off the success of ABBA, which seems to have worked seeing how much the movie has grossed. Why the success? Possibly because if you choose to ignore all that’s wrong with it and take it for what it is – an elaborate excuse to sing ABBA tunes – you will find yourself enjoying the happenings and singing along to songs you had no idea you knew the words to, and are quite likely to be mesmerized by the enchanting Greek islands the movie was filmed on. So yes, if you’re looking for something campy and fun in an over the top way, then ‘Mamma Mia!’ was made for you. Everyone else, expect to be underwhelmed.

– By S.A.

Us Magazine, The News - 14th November, 2008

What Happens In Vegas

movie review

If someone tells you that there’s a new movie out and it stars Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher, you’d probably think the movie would be a heap of fun. I thought so too. I was wrong. ‘What Happens In Vegas’ is a cinematic example of why what happens in Vegas should stay in Vegas. The makers of the movie seem to have set out to make a comedy; only, they forgot about this somewhere along the way, and decided to settle for lame instead. The plot (if I dare call it that) revolves around the inebriated marriage of two people who meet in Vegas, win a three million dollar jackpot, and have to stay married for six months or else their winnings will be confiscated. They then decide to make each others lives miserable, but instead end up inflicting this misery on the viewer, who is likely to spend the duration of the film thinking of all the things they could’ve done in ninety nine minutes that would’ve been so much more fun than suffering through this movie, like watching paint dry for instance. The acting is strained, the script devoid of that thing which makes a film funny (that is, humour), and the plot lacking what might be generally referred to as common sense. In short, ‘What Happens In Vegas’ is excruciatingly lame, mindnumbingly stupid, and disappointingly forgettable.

- By S.A.

Us Magazine, The News - 7th November, 2008