The immaculate cat

cover story

Fluffy, king of the garden

Cats are awesome, and they know it. They are so amazing, in fact, that they were even worshipped as deities in ancient cultures (and if you’ve ever met a cat, then you know this historic divine status is something that the feline has never forgotten). But popularity breeds haters, and that is exactly what has happened in the case of these magnificent furry creatures. There are some misguided – and, let’s face it, clearly quite envious – humans who have been levelling completely baseless accusations against our feline overlords companions, calling them things like annoying, aloof, fickle, and – excuse me while I gasp – useless. But that smear campaign ends today, for not only are cats cute and cuddly and altogether adorable, but they also happen to be the most selfless, hardworking, and useful creatures that have ever set paw on planet Earth. That’s right; the cat diligently serves many functions in various capacities all around us, tirelessly toiling all day long just to help others. All you need to realize its many roles in our lives is a little bit of love (and a lot of imagination).

Renovation instigator
You are lazy. That’s ok, I’m not judging you. But we both know that if it were up to you, you’d never bother to renovate your living space and would just end up with the same curtains and sofas and blankets and carpets for a decade. Left to your own devices, your life would be stagnant. Thankfully though, the cat is always there to help you, slowly nudging you on by shredding your drapes and using your rugs as his own personal scratch pad, all in the hopes of inspiring you to give your house an overhaul. The cat isn’t doing any of this for himself; the cat is doing this all for you. Because he loves you and cares about you. You’re welcome.

Alternative interior decorator
If you are a human being, then i) I’m sorry for your luck, and ii) chances are you keep all your possessions inside cupboards/drawers or on tables. O ye of little imagination! We humans are bound by mental constraints revolving around things like “order” and “arrangement”, but unlike us, the cat is not afraid to think outside the box. “What would everything look like if it was on the floor?” the cat wonders, before promptly throwing everything on the ground. Because changing the way the room looks has a positive impact on the mood, of course. Sure you may not be very pleased that your porcelain doll has parted ways with its head and your favourite coffee mug is now in pieces, but that’s just a small price to pay in order to enjoy the cat’s creative decorating skills.

Kitty in a tree

Nature documentary participant
The majestic cat moves with impeccable grace. Ain’t she a beauty! Suddenly, she sees a sparrow in the distance. She slowly, stealthily moves towards the unsuspecting bird. Crikey! She jumps at her prey, lunging towards the sparrow … and promptly smacks straight into the window between her and the bird that she had failed to take into account!
Cats are funny.

Comedian
See: nature documentary participant.

Gardener
Digging? Check!
Grass pruning? Check!
Applying fertilizer? Check!

Jolly performing a balancing act

Gymnast
The cat is an acrobat and the world is her circus. The consummate entertainer, the feline gymnast will swing from trees, climb to vertigo-inducing heights, make astounding jumps, and (cat)walk on impossibly thin beams, all in a noble attempt to keep us humans amused.

Financial advisor
The cat keeps meowing. I think she’s saying she wants something to play with. I should get her some toys. ($10)
Aww, doesn’t the cat look cold? Time to buy her a little cat house. ($15)
Yikes! The cat is coughing. I should take her to the vet ($50)
Oh no, we’re almost out of dry cat food. Must get some more. ($25)
Almost forgot, also need to get the wet cat food. ($25)
Might as well pick up some treats while I’m at it. ($10)
Doesn’t the cat seem like she could use some…
Wait, why am I suddenly broke?!

Motivational meower
Yes, you better not lose your job or the cat is going to have you for dinner. Work harder, human! The cat needs those fancy yumyums!

Alarm clock
The cat is nature’s alarm clock, guaranteed to wake you up in the morning. And by morning I obviously mean the middle of the night at a completely random time of her choosing. The cat knows that spontaneity makes life more exciting. Dependable digital alarm clocks that wake you up at a time of your choosing – where’s the fun in that?

Paradox generator
Just ask Schrödinger.

Lee proving that chairs are redundant

Innovator
Humans invented chairs.
Cats discovered that humans are idiots who come up with redundant inventions, because if people had the slightest common sense, they would’ve figured out that just about everything can be used as a chair.
Cats are clearly smarter than humans.

Muse
The cat has been the muse for many artists, writers, and filmmakers, dutifully inspiring them to produce some iconic works that would have simply been inconceivable without the feline.
Just think about it.
Would people have flocked to the cinemas to watch That Darn Hyena? I think not.
What would have become of Puss in Boots? Dog in Clogs just doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it?
The Cat in the Hat simply wouldn’t have worked without our furry friend, because The Dolphin in the Beret doesn’t even rhyme!
And Lewis Caroll would’ve been in a real pickle if it weren’t for the cat. The Cheshire Carp? Cheshire Caribou? Cheshire Cassowary? Cheshire Cormorant? Cheshire Chamois?! That’s just madness, I tell you, madness!

Uggy striking a very elegant pose

Model
Aware of its natural beauty, the cat is always gracefully catwalking and striking a pose to give you a chance to capture its gorgeousness in photos, which is a good thing because otherwise you wouldn’t know what to do with your smartphone camera.

Internet content provider
As we all know, the Internet was invented so that we could share cat photos and videos with each other. If the cat were to suddenly disappear, the World Wide Web would turn into a barren, desolate wasteland, with tumbleweed blowing down its fake news streets filled with depression and despair. But that will never happen, not on Lil Bub, Maru, Colonel Meow, Venus, and Tardar Sauce’s watch!

Jolly, always there to help when I'm working

Bookmark
The cat makes a very effective bookmark. When you’re reading something, there’s a very high chance the cat will sit on it. WHILE you’re trying to read it.
Also quite effective as a paperweight.
Come to think of it, the cat is not just a bookmark and paperweight but, in fact, a full personal assistant, personally assisting you no matter what you’re working on by helpfully sitting on whatever it is you’re working on. Always so helpful.

Lucky the brave explorer

Explorer
Marco Polo, Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Neil Armstrong, and, of course, our good friend felis catus – some of the world’s greatest explorers who have boldly partaken in brave and daring expeditions all in the name of discovery.

Food critic
That thing you just spent an hour chopping, shredding, mixing, boiling, cooling for the cat? Yuck. Discarded. Because your cooking sucks.
That thing the cat found lying on the ground that had been sitting out there, getting coated in dust for a week? Yum!

Christmas tree ornament

Aussie, my friend Anny's beloved cat, displaying how to be a Xmas tree ornament

Fur donor
Real fur is cruel and fake fur looks, well, fake. But don’t worry – the cat knows how weary you are of both fox and faux fur. That is why it very helpfully leaves a layer of fur on all your clothing. Now you too can be posh and trendy and proudly walk around with a real fur covered top or sweater, cruelty free and prepared for you with love by your very considerate feline friend. See? The cat gives and it gives…

Hitler impersonator

Hitler, pensively wishing I had named him Chaplin instead

Hail Kitler! Because we must remember the past so as not to repeat it in the future. Or something.

Friend filter
What kind of a person doesn’t like cats? Block, delete, buh bye!

Fitness trainer
Like we talked about earlier, you’re lazy. Don’t worry, still not judging you. But laziness isn’t good for your health. That’s why the cat is worried about you. And since he only wants what’s best for you, he has made it his life’s mission to keep you on your toes. No need to join the gym when you are owned by a feline, because the cat takes his responsibility as your fitness trainer very seriously. Yes, he has you running around doing chores for him all day, but that’s just because he wants you to get some exercise. And when he goes missing and makes you frantically search for him all over the neighbourhood, it’s because he wants you to get that extra cardio.

Social interaction initiator
Speaking of frantic neighbourhood searches…
In a tech obsessed world that is leaving many of us increasingly isolated, where our messed up priorities have ended up trapping us in the 24 hour news cycle… we somehow seem very pleased with ourselves for knowing what’s happening in a random place on this planet a million miles away, yet have no idea what’s going on with our own neighbours. The cat realizes that this needs to chance. That’s why she keeps coming up with different ways to get you out of the house and socialize with the people around you. The cat wants you to know your neighbours, and for your neighbours to know you too, so that the next time they see you, they can think “ugh, there’s that insane woman who keeps showing up at our house looking for one of her five million cats. Quickly hide before she sees us and comes over again and starts jabbering away about how great cats are. Oh no, too late…”

So yes, cats are awesome, and they know it. And it’s about time everyone else knew it too.

- By a crazy cat lady Sameen Amer

Us Magazine, The News - 17th November, 2017 *